posted by Michelle at 2:33 PM
1 comments
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, October 09, 2009
Begin at the roots
How I would love to vent out all my frustrations and say 'men'.
If only he would....
If only he wouldn't...
but the truth is... Half of the problem is me.
Have I taken a moment to consider, everything I do and don't do. How I speak and the tone of my voice. How I make him feel?
Have I shown that I've valued his opinions? Listened, without interruption. Let him speak as though he had all the time in the world. Really listened? Really understood his every motivation and intention. Taken the time to know him inside and out? Would he think of me as his best friend? Whom he could trust, count on, and spill his heart out to?
Does he know just how much I appreciate him? Have I told him why I love him and how much I need him? Do I show my love enough? Do my actions speak for my words? Am I affectionate, complimentary and encouraging towards him?
Not enough, I know. Not for what he's worth, which is everything. I can't take this love for granted a day longer... I love you, and I am so thankful.
I fell in love with him, and in just a short amount of time I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was willing to pick up and move, because I couldn't live another day without him. He was my inspiration.
He encouraged me to do things that petrified me, and talked me through it. His calm nature told me that everything would be okay. That I could take a risk, and he would be there no matter what, to support me.
He's caring. I learned that he was a family man, and truly fell in love with how he stayed connected with his family. How he made them feel better if they were upset, how he managed to get a smile with his incredible sense of humor. I imagined that would be me someday, and it certainly turned out just so. Only he, can make me cry and laugh at the same time.
He's talented. Passionate.
An artist with an exceptional ear for music.
And not to mention a great cook.
Years later, as comfort settles in and the initial excitement of something new has faded. Our love has been put to the test. We've seen tough times, and pulled through. We've laughed, and we've cried.
As time passes on, I am more grateful each day that I have such a wonderful life long partner to share my life with, and a beautiful daughter.
This new life we share as parents, has been the biggest challenge that I have yet to face. It forced me to look deep inside, and make some inner changes, and get rid of old baggage. What I hadn't realized is that it would take down an emotional roller coaster.
When I began to dream one night; a tree was revealed to me. It was a deserted tree in the middle of a clear green meadow. It stood alone, hovering limply. Lifeless. Dead.
Why am I here? I questioned. Why was I standing in this beautiful meadow with a single dead tree? The tree shook, and the last leaf fell slowly to the ground. The picture I was seeing was completely wrong. I knew it and I felt it.
The tears streamed down my cheeks, as the hollowness I felt crippled my body, I doubled over with tremendous pain. I let out a howl, and could do nothing but cry. In that instant a hand was placed on my shoulder. I looked up to see a man. He was full of light, and more beautiful than anything I had ever seen.
'This is your tree' He said. 'It stands hear as your symbol of life.'
'I don't understand.' I tell him, feeling confused.
'It represents your family.'
'My family?' My mouth gaped open revealing my shock. 'but it's dead.'
'Yes.' He said.
'What does that mean? How can the tree be a symbol of life if it's dead? How can that...' I was speechless. I looked at the tree in disgust. 'How can that represent my family?'
'It's not this tree that represents your family, this tree is in great danger, and this is not what I see for you.' He said. 'I see that you will find a way to save it, bring it back to life, and nurture it from that point on. The tree that really represents your family is what this tree will become, not as it is right now.'
'What this tree will become?'
'Yes.'
'How do I save it?'
'You need to begin at the roots.'
'The roots?' Now I was really confused.
'Yes.' He said, pausing thoughtfully. You see before this tree even began, the roots were damaged. So as the tree began to grow, it began to die a little more each day. It was neglected, unkept and forgotten about. But you see in order for your family, your husband and your children to thrive you need to begin at the roots. Mend what has been damaged and heal what has been hurt, and you then and only then.... will you find your life.' He said, turning, and adverting my attention back to the tree.
'But how do I...? I turned to face him, but he had vanished. Disappeared as quickly and as quietly as he had appeared.
I awoke from that dream, and found myself drenched in my own tears.
'Begin at the roots' echoed in my mind. What could that mean? I asked myself the question, and almost immediately had my answer. The roots!!! My family. My mother, my father and my sisters. I needed to mend what had been damaged, and heal what had been hurt, and then move on.
If only he would....
If only he wouldn't...
but the truth is... Half of the problem is me.
Have I taken a moment to consider, everything I do and don't do. How I speak and the tone of my voice. How I make him feel?
Have I shown that I've valued his opinions? Listened, without interruption. Let him speak as though he had all the time in the world. Really listened? Really understood his every motivation and intention. Taken the time to know him inside and out? Would he think of me as his best friend? Whom he could trust, count on, and spill his heart out to?
Does he know just how much I appreciate him? Have I told him why I love him and how much I need him? Do I show my love enough? Do my actions speak for my words? Am I affectionate, complimentary and encouraging towards him?
Not enough, I know. Not for what he's worth, which is everything. I can't take this love for granted a day longer... I love you, and I am so thankful.
I fell in love with him, and in just a short amount of time I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was willing to pick up and move, because I couldn't live another day without him. He was my inspiration.
He encouraged me to do things that petrified me, and talked me through it. His calm nature told me that everything would be okay. That I could take a risk, and he would be there no matter what, to support me.
He's caring. I learned that he was a family man, and truly fell in love with how he stayed connected with his family. How he made them feel better if they were upset, how he managed to get a smile with his incredible sense of humor. I imagined that would be me someday, and it certainly turned out just so. Only he, can make me cry and laugh at the same time.
He's talented. Passionate.
An artist with an exceptional ear for music.
And not to mention a great cook.
Years later, as comfort settles in and the initial excitement of something new has faded. Our love has been put to the test. We've seen tough times, and pulled through. We've laughed, and we've cried.
As time passes on, I am more grateful each day that I have such a wonderful life long partner to share my life with, and a beautiful daughter.
This new life we share as parents, has been the biggest challenge that I have yet to face. It forced me to look deep inside, and make some inner changes, and get rid of old baggage. What I hadn't realized is that it would take down an emotional roller coaster.
When I began to dream one night; a tree was revealed to me. It was a deserted tree in the middle of a clear green meadow. It stood alone, hovering limply. Lifeless. Dead.
Why am I here? I questioned. Why was I standing in this beautiful meadow with a single dead tree? The tree shook, and the last leaf fell slowly to the ground. The picture I was seeing was completely wrong. I knew it and I felt it.
The tears streamed down my cheeks, as the hollowness I felt crippled my body, I doubled over with tremendous pain. I let out a howl, and could do nothing but cry. In that instant a hand was placed on my shoulder. I looked up to see a man. He was full of light, and more beautiful than anything I had ever seen.
'This is your tree' He said. 'It stands hear as your symbol of life.'
'I don't understand.' I tell him, feeling confused.
'It represents your family.'
'My family?' My mouth gaped open revealing my shock. 'but it's dead.'
'Yes.' He said.
'What does that mean? How can the tree be a symbol of life if it's dead? How can that...' I was speechless. I looked at the tree in disgust. 'How can that represent my family?'
'It's not this tree that represents your family, this tree is in great danger, and this is not what I see for you.' He said. 'I see that you will find a way to save it, bring it back to life, and nurture it from that point on. The tree that really represents your family is what this tree will become, not as it is right now.'
'What this tree will become?'
'Yes.'
'How do I save it?'
'You need to begin at the roots.'
'The roots?' Now I was really confused.
'Yes.' He said, pausing thoughtfully. You see before this tree even began, the roots were damaged. So as the tree began to grow, it began to die a little more each day. It was neglected, unkept and forgotten about. But you see in order for your family, your husband and your children to thrive you need to begin at the roots. Mend what has been damaged and heal what has been hurt, and you then and only then.... will you find your life.' He said, turning, and adverting my attention back to the tree.
'But how do I...? I turned to face him, but he had vanished. Disappeared as quickly and as quietly as he had appeared.
I awoke from that dream, and found myself drenched in my own tears.
'Begin at the roots' echoed in my mind. What could that mean? I asked myself the question, and almost immediately had my answer. The roots!!! My family. My mother, my father and my sisters. I needed to mend what had been damaged, and heal what had been hurt, and then move on.
posted by Michelle at 8:03 PM
1 comments
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Cicada
Perhaps I am strange to be excited by an insect... but I just can't help but stare in awe at how unusual and amazing a cicada is up close. It's been years, at least 6 years since I've seen one. It was on a camping trip at Sand banks beach, hanging out on the top of our tent. We noticed it when we took it down. The alien-like giant fly never seizes to captivate me in wonder. An insect that lives underground most of it's life ( between 7-17 years) living off the water from tree roots, surfaces for a few short weeks of freedom to mate, lay eggs, then die.It's rare to actually see them, but you can't mistake the sound of the male cicada singing high in the tree tops to attract the females. It's very high pitch, almost like the buzzing of an electrical appliance. Unmistakable.
So when Dave tapped on the window this evening for me to come outside, my first thought was that it must be that the toad has returned. The big fat jolly one that keeps activating the light sensor. I was mistaken. He lead me to the light, and when I looked up I saw it. A beautiful lovely cicada. My initial reaction was to pull up a chair to get a closer look, but I could not stop the urge to pick it up with my bare hands. As intimidating as they appear, they are the most harmless creatures. They do not bite or sting.
I let it crawl up and down my arm, fascinated by the picking feet on my skin.
It was like my inner fearless child coming out. Watching each of the bugs tiny steps, examining it's shape, it's body, and movement. It climbed right up to my neck, and we stared at each other eye to eye before it flew away into the dark night. How long will it be before I see the next one?
posted by Michelle at 9:04 PM
0 comments
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Deep
I give to you, the key to my heart,
You move me, with your charm.
I could spend, the rest of my life,
so close to you in your arms.
I cannot breath, I'm in too deep.
I feel you, next to me.
I can't escape, I'm bounded by love.
My promise is, I hope enough.
You move me, with your charm.
I could spend, the rest of my life,
so close to you in your arms.
I cannot breath, I'm in too deep.
I feel you, next to me.
I can't escape, I'm bounded by love.
My promise is, I hope enough.
posted by Michelle at 1:34 PM
1 comments
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
A new life
All around me boxes are piling higher. Our belongings, put away... until we begin our new lives in a new place. Just the thought of it, gives me butterflies.
Five more days, and lives will be changed forever.
The last few weeks have been insane. Funny how we've waited what seemed like years, these last few months, that when it has finally come down to the last few days, I can't keep up.
Five more days, and lives will be changed forever.
The last few weeks have been insane. Funny how we've waited what seemed like years, these last few months, that when it has finally come down to the last few days, I can't keep up.
posted by Michelle at 1:09 PM
0 comments
Sunday, February 15, 2009
25 Things about me
1. Becoming a mother is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. My family is number one.
2. I get anxious if I feel isolated or claustrophobic. I like open spaces, loose comfortable clothing, and can't wear choker necklaces.
3. I have an overactive imagination. I used to like scary movies, and now they seem to make me more paranoid.
4. I am always trying to diagnose myself... I am afraid to see the doctor, even more afraid that he'll find something.
5. The scar across my nose happened when I was 2, when I flew out of my car seat at a red light.
6. Writing is my passion, but I hate that I spend too much time trying to make it perfect. Why can't I just accept it for what it is?
7. Half way through a song I suffered a panic attack with no warning. It took the breath right out of me, like I was punched in the stomach. My lips were moving but no sound came out. Everyone thought there was a malfunction in the microphone, and I didn't tell them any different. I'm afraid it could happen again.
8. I wasn't really stood up by a friend the night I watched you play. None of them could make it out, and I knew I had to see you. I'm glad I did.
9. I have vivid dreams of flying, breathing underwater, and numbers.
10. I loved being physically stronger than my youngest sister until one day over powered me with little effort, I can only hope I am little wiser if she ever needed help or advice for any reason.
11. I used to get in trouble for telling stories, now I can't think of any. Hopefully someday I'll have a good story to tell.
12. Almost all the birds I saved probably would have survived if I had just let them be. I felt so guilty, but I longed to feel needed and had to always take care of something.
13. Not sure I could live in the country but I love the peaceful serenity to it.
Not sure I could live in a town but I miss the friendly nods and waves, but hated the fact that everyone knew your business, and the ridiculous spread of rumours.
Not sure if I love living in the city because it seems so hard to fit in, but I love that each day brings something new, and I cannot predict tomorrow.
14. The only CD's I have ever bought are Vanessa Carlton, Fiona Apple, Evanesence, Enigmna and relaxation CD's even though I can never seem to relax. I am always fidgeting, pacing, bouncing my knee, biting my nails, thinking and working.
15. The harder I try to remember to close cupboard doors and drawers, the more I think they're left open to drive me insane.
16. I am moved by opera. It's sounds so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes and stirs emotions that touch my heart. I have no idea what they are singing about but to me it feels like love and tragedy.
17. I leave little notes of encouragement and leave them in random places for strangers to find.
18. I would love to volunteer my time to make a positive difference in the lives of others like someone did for me and my family.
19. It has taken me years to be able to pick up the phone to order take out, make an appointment, or leave messages on answering machines because I hate the sound of my voice.
20. I'm embarrassed to admit how much I would need to rely on a calculator to do simple math.
21. I wish I could cook with out a cookbook, sing like no one was listening, write there was no tomorrow and dance like no one was watching.
22. I've been thinking about getting a tatoo to mark my 25th birthday this year, but I'm not sure what I would want on my body for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking?
23. I appreciate hearing the same stories over and over again, because there is always some details that I missed the first time and I never know if it will be the last time I hear it. I'd give anything to hear my grandad tell his stories again.
24. My father has always been my strongest role model. I admire that he cares so much about making a difference.
25. My time spent with my family is more important than material status.
2. I get anxious if I feel isolated or claustrophobic. I like open spaces, loose comfortable clothing, and can't wear choker necklaces.
3. I have an overactive imagination. I used to like scary movies, and now they seem to make me more paranoid.
4. I am always trying to diagnose myself... I am afraid to see the doctor, even more afraid that he'll find something.
5. The scar across my nose happened when I was 2, when I flew out of my car seat at a red light.
6. Writing is my passion, but I hate that I spend too much time trying to make it perfect. Why can't I just accept it for what it is?
7. Half way through a song I suffered a panic attack with no warning. It took the breath right out of me, like I was punched in the stomach. My lips were moving but no sound came out. Everyone thought there was a malfunction in the microphone, and I didn't tell them any different. I'm afraid it could happen again.
8. I wasn't really stood up by a friend the night I watched you play. None of them could make it out, and I knew I had to see you. I'm glad I did.
9. I have vivid dreams of flying, breathing underwater, and numbers.
10. I loved being physically stronger than my youngest sister until one day over powered me with little effort, I can only hope I am little wiser if she ever needed help or advice for any reason.
11. I used to get in trouble for telling stories, now I can't think of any. Hopefully someday I'll have a good story to tell.
12. Almost all the birds I saved probably would have survived if I had just let them be. I felt so guilty, but I longed to feel needed and had to always take care of something.
13. Not sure I could live in the country but I love the peaceful serenity to it.
Not sure I could live in a town but I miss the friendly nods and waves, but hated the fact that everyone knew your business, and the ridiculous spread of rumours.
Not sure if I love living in the city because it seems so hard to fit in, but I love that each day brings something new, and I cannot predict tomorrow.
14. The only CD's I have ever bought are Vanessa Carlton, Fiona Apple, Evanesence, Enigmna and relaxation CD's even though I can never seem to relax. I am always fidgeting, pacing, bouncing my knee, biting my nails, thinking and working.
15. The harder I try to remember to close cupboard doors and drawers, the more I think they're left open to drive me insane.
16. I am moved by opera. It's sounds so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes and stirs emotions that touch my heart. I have no idea what they are singing about but to me it feels like love and tragedy.
17. I leave little notes of encouragement and leave them in random places for strangers to find.
18. I would love to volunteer my time to make a positive difference in the lives of others like someone did for me and my family.
19. It has taken me years to be able to pick up the phone to order take out, make an appointment, or leave messages on answering machines because I hate the sound of my voice.
20. I'm embarrassed to admit how much I would need to rely on a calculator to do simple math.
21. I wish I could cook with out a cookbook, sing like no one was listening, write there was no tomorrow and dance like no one was watching.
22. I've been thinking about getting a tatoo to mark my 25th birthday this year, but I'm not sure what I would want on my body for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is just wishful thinking?
23. I appreciate hearing the same stories over and over again, because there is always some details that I missed the first time and I never know if it will be the last time I hear it. I'd give anything to hear my grandad tell his stories again.
24. My father has always been my strongest role model. I admire that he cares so much about making a difference.
25. My time spent with my family is more important than material status.
posted by Michelle at 10:22 PM
1 comments
Friday, February 13, 2009
I love saying 'I love you'... It has never and will never outgrow me. I need to express my love verbally and physically always because that is how I was raised. My mom and dad, never stopped saying I love you. Never stopped hugging. Never stopped kissing. And never has it been awkward to do so. I'm grateful for that.
It is what got us through the hard times.
It is what got us through the hard times.
posted by Michelle at 9:43 PM
0 comments
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Where Daddy?
I sit down at her level. Cross my legs, make myself comfortable.
'Where?' She asks, tilting her head to one side.
'What are you looking for?' I say.
'Daddy? Where daddy?'
'Daddy is at work.' I explain.
'Daddy home.' She says. 'Sleeping?'
'No, daddy is at work.' I say.
She thinks about this for a moment and then repeats, 'daddy work.'
'That's right' I tell her.
A typical conversation... that amazes me.
Our little girl is growing up. Making sense of the world, and giving me a whole new aspect on life.
'Where?' She asks, tilting her head to one side.
'What are you looking for?' I say.
'Daddy? Where daddy?'
'Daddy is at work.' I explain.
'Daddy home.' She says. 'Sleeping?'
'No, daddy is at work.' I say.
She thinks about this for a moment and then repeats, 'daddy work.'
'That's right' I tell her.
A typical conversation... that amazes me.
Our little girl is growing up. Making sense of the world, and giving me a whole new aspect on life.
posted by Michelle at 9:40 PM
0 comments
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Life is beautiful
This winter, although still just beginning, resonates differently in my heart than any other year. It will be the tightest financially this year, I'm sure for more than just myself, but already I carry the feeling with me that it does not matter. None of it matters. And the whole process of Christmas time, the true celebration is all lost in the rippling effect of trying to find the perfect gift. Or to atleast measure up to last year, and the year before.
But the true meaning is the birth of our baby Jesus. God's gift to human kind.
Believe what you will, but this belief in myself makes it all the more special. To come together close as a family, and in spirit. Afterall life & love are gifts. A gift worth loving. A gift worth saving. A gift worth repairing any damages in yourself & others. Love brings us up, never tears us down.
I am also filled with overwhelming emotion as Christmas comes quickly around the corner, that this will be our first Christmas without grandad. It will not be the same.
I know this, but yet I am still very emotional to admit that I am still crying.
For every month on the 5th that I celebrate another month of Becca's life, also marks the number of months since his passing. Rebecca turned 20 months old yesterday.
Twenty months ago Becca was born into this earth. Five months ago you left. I really didn't think, leaving the hospital that day would be the last time I saw you. If I had only known, would it have turned out differently?? What would I have said??
'You will never be forgotten. We all love you so very much, and will be thinking of all those wonderful memories you placed in each of our hearts. I am so thankful that you & nanny took me into your home for those first months of moving to the big city. You really made me feel comfortable, and I'm grateful to have had the time that I did. I really enjoyed renovating your garden, and seeking your approval. You allowed me to express a creative side I never knew I had, and to which I would seek refuge under stress. Grandad, I also enjoyed the relax time afterward, and sharing our happy hour, as the sun was up over the yardarm.'
And come your birthday Grandad, January 1st, as we bring in the new year. I'm not going to say there won't be any tears, because there are some now as I write about you, but they will be mostly tears of appreciation. Life is beautiful. Thank you for showing me that.
And to my nanny,
I need you to know now, that no matter what anyone says you are very special.
You've loved all of us unconditionally. You were one of my first teachers, one of my first role models. I truly appreciated making you proud. I felt humbled that you saved my poems, even after every poem I had kept I threw away.
I love that you have pictures we have drawn on your fridge, from 10 & 20 years ago.
Know how much I appreciated your undivided attention, and listening to what I had to say, and thank you for telling me so much about your life, because your stories will be carried on. You live in our hearts eternally.
But the true meaning is the birth of our baby Jesus. God's gift to human kind.
Believe what you will, but this belief in myself makes it all the more special. To come together close as a family, and in spirit. Afterall life & love are gifts. A gift worth loving. A gift worth saving. A gift worth repairing any damages in yourself & others. Love brings us up, never tears us down.
I am also filled with overwhelming emotion as Christmas comes quickly around the corner, that this will be our first Christmas without grandad. It will not be the same.
I know this, but yet I am still very emotional to admit that I am still crying.
For every month on the 5th that I celebrate another month of Becca's life, also marks the number of months since his passing. Rebecca turned 20 months old yesterday.
Twenty months ago Becca was born into this earth. Five months ago you left. I really didn't think, leaving the hospital that day would be the last time I saw you. If I had only known, would it have turned out differently?? What would I have said??
'You will never be forgotten. We all love you so very much, and will be thinking of all those wonderful memories you placed in each of our hearts. I am so thankful that you & nanny took me into your home for those first months of moving to the big city. You really made me feel comfortable, and I'm grateful to have had the time that I did. I really enjoyed renovating your garden, and seeking your approval. You allowed me to express a creative side I never knew I had, and to which I would seek refuge under stress. Grandad, I also enjoyed the relax time afterward, and sharing our happy hour, as the sun was up over the yardarm.'
And come your birthday Grandad, January 1st, as we bring in the new year. I'm not going to say there won't be any tears, because there are some now as I write about you, but they will be mostly tears of appreciation. Life is beautiful. Thank you for showing me that.
And to my nanny,
I need you to know now, that no matter what anyone says you are very special.
You've loved all of us unconditionally. You were one of my first teachers, one of my first role models. I truly appreciated making you proud. I felt humbled that you saved my poems, even after every poem I had kept I threw away.
I love that you have pictures we have drawn on your fridge, from 10 & 20 years ago.
Know how much I appreciated your undivided attention, and listening to what I had to say, and thank you for telling me so much about your life, because your stories will be carried on. You live in our hearts eternally.
posted by Michelle at 11:35 AM
1 comments
Friday, November 28, 2008
It's a good Game!
I never tried out for sports in grade school, because I couldn't play. I was always the last one picked for teams, the one who stood out like a needle in a haystack, with bruised knees and scrawny arms.
I sized up both teams, and secretly hoped I would be on the one with the stronger players, and by stronger I mean, where I'd least likely be noticed.
I suppose even though I was worthy of the most horrible player of the year award, I still enjoyed playing. I simply didn't enjoy the competative nature of the whole game. To me it was just a game. It was all about fun, and enjoying ourselves. Unfortunately, it simply wasn't.
I think it's funny how much fear I brought into the game. The fear of making a mistake, like it would be the end of the world. If it didn't show in my posture, it would likely show on my face. I have what your call severe blushing, it doesn't take much to turn ketchup red. Trust me.
But at home I was fearless it seemed. Picking up spiders, bugs, frogs, crabs. Wild birds, mice, rabbits, chipmunks, seagulls and skunks. Yes, skiunks. That is another story in itself. I picked up pretty much anything that moved with my bare hands. I would climb the highest tree, until as far as I felt the branch would hold my weight. I held my breath with the edrenalyn that raced through my heart. Each footing carefully thought out before I made my move, just like the game of chess.
Until this day my father has instilled the sweet pleasure of a life lesson I will carry through with my daughter.
Although more rare than I would like, every once in a while dad and myself find ourselves blowing dust off the ol' chess board and emersing ourselves in the game of the mind. It is fun. It is intense. It is certainly mind boggling. We are both fighting to win, and praising each others efforts. My dad knows when he's made a good move. He can see it on my face as my mind goes deep into thought. Already thinking about my next move, I try to imagine what dad is thinking. Because he knows so much more than I do, and that is what I admire.
I have inherited my father's perfectionism.
I try so hard to do my best or give up trying. I think it's a blessing and a character flaw at the same time because I often find that I am too hard on myself. Above all I am my own worst critique.
I have given up on a lot of things, because of the ungodly belief that I am not good enough.
But, on the contrary...
This allowed us to become closer. We shared this in common.
like those all nighter assignments you stayed up all night to help me with. That confidence I handed into my English teacher, was that with our minds working together, the many coffee's of course, and the great conversations. We pulled it off!!! They were always the projects I was most proud of, because I had your help.
And you always created the best websites & panoramic photo's. I don't think I totally understood this until I found my artistic side. The hours I put in felt more like minutes. I realized now how we've all become very detail oriented. I just need to focus the details in the right areas.
Another blessing that I have built within my spirit, is patience. That healing/ change & gratification do not come instantly. That we as people are on our own schedules. When we are ready for change, we are more accepting.
So back to our game of chess. I am proud to see your enthusiasm, light up the room. That in all our games of chess, the one and only time I won, I knew was strategy and strategy only. That's what made it special, because it was always a good game no matter who won. I loved that you never just let me win. I had to work for it.
A valued quality I carried through to playing sports.
Unfortunately not everyone loved my enthusiasm, for playing because I couldn't play, but they couldn't see it the way I saw it. I 'll get better. Just you watch.
No time in the world could stop me from getting any worse. By high school, (I haven't played since)for the life of me could not serve the volleyball over the net. Because that annoying voice was ringing inside my ear from the other side of the net. 'No wait. Whoops. Sorry. It was actually my own team screaming, 'Come on, Geez'
Okay so I still suck at playing, some things never change. I obviously hadn't. Neither did the people whom I attended grade school. Still... years later I am humiliated. Therefore I can't play. I can't function.
Hmmm... Future team. How about a little encouragement once in a while. Were on the same team don't forget. You are not a better person than me, nor I a better person than you. It is okay if we play/do things differently. With encouragement is the possibility of getting better.
With discouragement, we are set up for failure.
This works for family members as well. It is known that hurting people hurt people, but really think about what you say before you say it. Imagine for a moment yourself in the position of the recipient of that comment. How would it make you feel?? If it would make you feel bad, why would you say it to someone else?
Future opponent. We are playing the same game. We are both trying are best. And we are both mindful and polite of our differences. We do not need to be the same to succeed. As long as we are proud of how we played. You know when you've been hit. And you know when you need to bring up your game, and you do it with respect.
And when you win, which you will plenty. It's not 'We are the champion's, no time for losers) It's a good game.
I have admiration for that outlook.
Thanks dad.
I sized up both teams, and secretly hoped I would be on the one with the stronger players, and by stronger I mean, where I'd least likely be noticed.
I suppose even though I was worthy of the most horrible player of the year award, I still enjoyed playing. I simply didn't enjoy the competative nature of the whole game. To me it was just a game. It was all about fun, and enjoying ourselves. Unfortunately, it simply wasn't.
I think it's funny how much fear I brought into the game. The fear of making a mistake, like it would be the end of the world. If it didn't show in my posture, it would likely show on my face. I have what your call severe blushing, it doesn't take much to turn ketchup red. Trust me.
But at home I was fearless it seemed. Picking up spiders, bugs, frogs, crabs. Wild birds, mice, rabbits, chipmunks, seagulls and skunks. Yes, skiunks. That is another story in itself. I picked up pretty much anything that moved with my bare hands. I would climb the highest tree, until as far as I felt the branch would hold my weight. I held my breath with the edrenalyn that raced through my heart. Each footing carefully thought out before I made my move, just like the game of chess.
Until this day my father has instilled the sweet pleasure of a life lesson I will carry through with my daughter.
Although more rare than I would like, every once in a while dad and myself find ourselves blowing dust off the ol' chess board and emersing ourselves in the game of the mind. It is fun. It is intense. It is certainly mind boggling. We are both fighting to win, and praising each others efforts. My dad knows when he's made a good move. He can see it on my face as my mind goes deep into thought. Already thinking about my next move, I try to imagine what dad is thinking. Because he knows so much more than I do, and that is what I admire.
I have inherited my father's perfectionism.
I try so hard to do my best or give up trying. I think it's a blessing and a character flaw at the same time because I often find that I am too hard on myself. Above all I am my own worst critique.
I have given up on a lot of things, because of the ungodly belief that I am not good enough.
But, on the contrary...
This allowed us to become closer. We shared this in common.
like those all nighter assignments you stayed up all night to help me with. That confidence I handed into my English teacher, was that with our minds working together, the many coffee's of course, and the great conversations. We pulled it off!!! They were always the projects I was most proud of, because I had your help.
And you always created the best websites & panoramic photo's. I don't think I totally understood this until I found my artistic side. The hours I put in felt more like minutes. I realized now how we've all become very detail oriented. I just need to focus the details in the right areas.
Another blessing that I have built within my spirit, is patience. That healing/ change & gratification do not come instantly. That we as people are on our own schedules. When we are ready for change, we are more accepting.
So back to our game of chess. I am proud to see your enthusiasm, light up the room. That in all our games of chess, the one and only time I won, I knew was strategy and strategy only. That's what made it special, because it was always a good game no matter who won. I loved that you never just let me win. I had to work for it.
A valued quality I carried through to playing sports.
Unfortunately not everyone loved my enthusiasm, for playing because I couldn't play, but they couldn't see it the way I saw it. I 'll get better. Just you watch.
No time in the world could stop me from getting any worse. By high school, (I haven't played since)for the life of me could not serve the volleyball over the net. Because that annoying voice was ringing inside my ear from the other side of the net. 'No wait. Whoops. Sorry. It was actually my own team screaming, 'Come on, Geez'
Okay so I still suck at playing, some things never change. I obviously hadn't. Neither did the people whom I attended grade school. Still... years later I am humiliated. Therefore I can't play. I can't function.
Hmmm... Future team. How about a little encouragement once in a while. Were on the same team don't forget. You are not a better person than me, nor I a better person than you. It is okay if we play/do things differently. With encouragement is the possibility of getting better.
With discouragement, we are set up for failure.
This works for family members as well. It is known that hurting people hurt people, but really think about what you say before you say it. Imagine for a moment yourself in the position of the recipient of that comment. How would it make you feel?? If it would make you feel bad, why would you say it to someone else?
Future opponent. We are playing the same game. We are both trying are best. And we are both mindful and polite of our differences. We do not need to be the same to succeed. As long as we are proud of how we played. You know when you've been hit. And you know when you need to bring up your game, and you do it with respect.
And when you win, which you will plenty. It's not 'We are the champion's, no time for losers) It's a good game.
I have admiration for that outlook.
Thanks dad.
posted by Michelle at 7:20 PM
0 comments
Friday, November 14, 2008
Monty.... not a monster after all.
Tomorrow brings us to mid November. Where has the time gone?
Looking forward to a special family gathering at mom & dad's for supper tomorrow. We've decided to spend more time together as a family, so we'll make it a top priority to gather together once every one or two months. It isn't exactly easy with a family of six, plus husbands and grandchildren, but I'm glad we are all making an effort.
Since we have come together and opened our hearts to overcome the major obstacles that threatened to separate us, we have all finally arrived on the same page with love, understanding, forgiveness and respect. Never have we ever become so close.
The air doesn't hang so heavy, and the tone has changed drastically. Even the dogs are different. Speaking of dogs, I thought I would share the story of Monty. My mom's little Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier mix.
Monty was almost five months old when my mom picked him up from the pet store in which my sister worked. She actually got a little discount because the manager couldn't sell him, 'because he was so ugly' he said. He was small for his age. The runt of the litter. Interesting features unlike any other dog I had seen, he was about the size of a pound of butter.
I was about forteen years old when mom brought him home that night. She brought him to the house where I was babysitting until evening. I can remember the anticipation that ran through me, as I just wanted to get home, to get to know our new little dog.
His body shook with fear, as he had a hard time adjusting to his first night in the new home. I knew that he needed me, so I brought a blanket into the hallway and I slept on the floor with him all night.
So at what point did my tender moments with the little guy turn to anger? I resented Monty so much that on recent visits to my parents I would push him off me, disgusted by the smell of his breath. The way he couldn't control his sneezing and snotting all over me when he got excited. The way his jagged teeth jutted out with an overbite.
On my last visit to my parents, which was Halloween night, I came down to look after the dogs Chloe and Monty while my parents were away for the weekend. It was then that we had our little intervention.
Monty hesistantly came into the bedroom and curled up at the end of the bed. I invited him to come closer, and on his own he wouldn't. I picked his small body up, and he was shaking. The same way he was 10 years earlier, that first night mom brought him home. I realized then that I had been cruel. Not physically, but emotionally I must have made some sort of impact, for him to feel uneasy around me. Which brought me to the question, why? Why had I been so cruel. As crazy as it is, I could actually pinpoint it to the exact day I began to resent him.
I had just moved away from my parents place a few months after I turned nineteen. Just four days after my move, my cat 'Missy' of seven years mysteriously disappeared. At that time it was crushing. I felt heavy, like my lungs were being crushed. I felt like I had lost my closest friend, because I did. As a child I didn't really have a whole lot of friends, so at twelve years old I confided in the one little being that listened to every word I said. That comforted my tears, and kissed away the hurt.
I called home everyday to see if she'd been found, only to find out what I already knew; I would never see her again.
In my desperation for sanity I asked mom if I could take Monty for the night, and she agreed. And so, I spent the night talking to Monty while he listened with complete focus and understanding, even though he had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. He knew in some way I needed him, and maybe he felt it his duty to comfort me as I had him his first night in his new home.
At one point I took him outside for a bathroom break. I hooked him up to his collar, and headed down the three flight of stairs in my pajamas, and shoes that were sizes too big for me. I didn't even think to bring a jacket, as I just thought we'd be in and out. The cold November chill hit me like a slap in the face. It was well below freezing. Monty was in no hurry to do his business.
I slipped on some ice at the same moment Monty pulled away from me, taking off with such lightning speed.
Horrified I thought, 'I just lost my cat, and now I'm going to lose my mother's dog.'
My heart felt like it was splitting in two, as I tried to run after him. The shoes were practically falling off my feet, I was slipping on ice, and the cold numbed every inch of my body. After five minutes of panic, desperation and humiliation, I made one last final attempt as I lunged for Monty's leash dragging behind him.
Success. I was so angry when I caught him, I couldn't see straight. My body fueled with tremendous loss, and now relief that he was alive and safe.
It was then, that very day, that I realized how much I had lost. And how much I never wanted to go through that again. And so, Monty became the poor victim of my hatred. 'I will never love you' I told him. 'Never'
In this overwhelming observation it hit me. I have been cruel. Instead of loving Monty, I pushed him away. Instead of praising him, I broke his spirit.
Maybe there was just too much silence in the house while everyone was away. Maybe I was just lonely, that I actually had a conversation with Monty and asked for his forgiveness. For the first time in five years, he snuggled up me without feeling uncomfortable. I felt his loyalty and I felt his love. Just a simple moment, that softened a coldness in my heart. That little Monty, unique in his own way, was not a monster after all.
Looking forward to a special family gathering at mom & dad's for supper tomorrow. We've decided to spend more time together as a family, so we'll make it a top priority to gather together once every one or two months. It isn't exactly easy with a family of six, plus husbands and grandchildren, but I'm glad we are all making an effort.
Since we have come together and opened our hearts to overcome the major obstacles that threatened to separate us, we have all finally arrived on the same page with love, understanding, forgiveness and respect. Never have we ever become so close.
The air doesn't hang so heavy, and the tone has changed drastically. Even the dogs are different. Speaking of dogs, I thought I would share the story of Monty. My mom's little Pomeranian/Yorkshire Terrier mix.
Monty was almost five months old when my mom picked him up from the pet store in which my sister worked. She actually got a little discount because the manager couldn't sell him, 'because he was so ugly' he said. He was small for his age. The runt of the litter. Interesting features unlike any other dog I had seen, he was about the size of a pound of butter.
I was about forteen years old when mom brought him home that night. She brought him to the house where I was babysitting until evening. I can remember the anticipation that ran through me, as I just wanted to get home, to get to know our new little dog.
His body shook with fear, as he had a hard time adjusting to his first night in the new home. I knew that he needed me, so I brought a blanket into the hallway and I slept on the floor with him all night.
So at what point did my tender moments with the little guy turn to anger? I resented Monty so much that on recent visits to my parents I would push him off me, disgusted by the smell of his breath. The way he couldn't control his sneezing and snotting all over me when he got excited. The way his jagged teeth jutted out with an overbite.
On my last visit to my parents, which was Halloween night, I came down to look after the dogs Chloe and Monty while my parents were away for the weekend. It was then that we had our little intervention.
Monty hesistantly came into the bedroom and curled up at the end of the bed. I invited him to come closer, and on his own he wouldn't. I picked his small body up, and he was shaking. The same way he was 10 years earlier, that first night mom brought him home. I realized then that I had been cruel. Not physically, but emotionally I must have made some sort of impact, for him to feel uneasy around me. Which brought me to the question, why? Why had I been so cruel. As crazy as it is, I could actually pinpoint it to the exact day I began to resent him.
I had just moved away from my parents place a few months after I turned nineteen. Just four days after my move, my cat 'Missy' of seven years mysteriously disappeared. At that time it was crushing. I felt heavy, like my lungs were being crushed. I felt like I had lost my closest friend, because I did. As a child I didn't really have a whole lot of friends, so at twelve years old I confided in the one little being that listened to every word I said. That comforted my tears, and kissed away the hurt.
I called home everyday to see if she'd been found, only to find out what I already knew; I would never see her again.
In my desperation for sanity I asked mom if I could take Monty for the night, and she agreed. And so, I spent the night talking to Monty while he listened with complete focus and understanding, even though he had absolutely no clue what I was talking about. He knew in some way I needed him, and maybe he felt it his duty to comfort me as I had him his first night in his new home.
At one point I took him outside for a bathroom break. I hooked him up to his collar, and headed down the three flight of stairs in my pajamas, and shoes that were sizes too big for me. I didn't even think to bring a jacket, as I just thought we'd be in and out. The cold November chill hit me like a slap in the face. It was well below freezing. Monty was in no hurry to do his business.
I slipped on some ice at the same moment Monty pulled away from me, taking off with such lightning speed.
Horrified I thought, 'I just lost my cat, and now I'm going to lose my mother's dog.'
My heart felt like it was splitting in two, as I tried to run after him. The shoes were practically falling off my feet, I was slipping on ice, and the cold numbed every inch of my body. After five minutes of panic, desperation and humiliation, I made one last final attempt as I lunged for Monty's leash dragging behind him.
Success. I was so angry when I caught him, I couldn't see straight. My body fueled with tremendous loss, and now relief that he was alive and safe.
It was then, that very day, that I realized how much I had lost. And how much I never wanted to go through that again. And so, Monty became the poor victim of my hatred. 'I will never love you' I told him. 'Never'
In this overwhelming observation it hit me. I have been cruel. Instead of loving Monty, I pushed him away. Instead of praising him, I broke his spirit.
Maybe there was just too much silence in the house while everyone was away. Maybe I was just lonely, that I actually had a conversation with Monty and asked for his forgiveness. For the first time in five years, he snuggled up me without feeling uncomfortable. I felt his loyalty and I felt his love. Just a simple moment, that softened a coldness in my heart. That little Monty, unique in his own way, was not a monster after all.
posted by Michelle at 8:52 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Remember this day, Remembrance day.
If you want the truth, just ask.
I would be more than happy to give you an honest answer.
I you want help, seek it.
I would be more than willing to be a listening ear.
If you want advise, experience it.
Decide for yourself, and ask me to embrace it with you, with just as much passion.
I will be your support.
If you want to learn something, DO IT!! Learn all that you want to know.
Then decide if it's worth your time.
If you want something out of reach, grab a stool, and stand on your tip toes,
until you can grasp it firmly, then relax with the reflections of your journey.
Look how far you've come to get there.
If someone tells you that you can't,
Prove them wrong, or accept your losses and start over. Perhaps starting over would be the beginning of a new life, that you love more.
A breath of fresh air. Take it. You can.
You can breath, you can live, and you can enjoy each day until the very last.
Why are you stuck somewhere that is unmotivating/depressing your every strengths into weaknesses? What can you do to change it? What have you got to lose, why not make the next step? Why are you so afraid to move forward? Why are you so afraid of your own truth? And why is it that you are so afraid to ask for help? Not only just by asking, but by accepting it as well.
Why can't you accept it, if it will make you feel better? Why turn your back on something good? Why is it that you feel that you don't deserve it? Who did you believe, that froze your insides. That in that instant, your body grew up, but your mind never had the chance to, because that person you believed.
That person that told you you couldn't do something was nobody other than yourself,
after you heard it the first time.
Children are cruel. They don't know any better, and the only mannerisms they learn need to be taught. Which is why I would much rather take a stand, and set a positive example, so that one day our children will look back and remember all those wonderful memories that brought us closer.
That looking back at those magical moments, and being thankful for all that you experienced and all the lessons that you learned from making mistakes along the way,
Brings you to this exact moment and who you are today.
You are a better person, because you have decided that you've had enough.
Your lifting it up off your shoulders and throwing as far away from you as you can.
Today is the day you take in all that you deserve. All the love and support, all the encouragement, all the affection... BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED. Today is the day that you will give back many times more than you receive, and feel good about it. Humble your heart with the beauty of love, laughter and life.
I love you. When you mess up, and feel guilty because you've fallen off the wagon again. For the first. Second. Tenth time. I still love you and I always will.
No one or anything can ever come between that love. No comprise. No temptation. No weakness. I love you know matter what. And because I love you that much. Because I would die for you, but live now inside of you, in your heart. I ask you, that all I need from loving you is for you to love me.
Love me.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
Love me... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
Love me... and tell me your hurt, I will pray for your healing.
Love me... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your aspirations with love and support.
Love me... and I will protect you. I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today, remember the day,
The day that changed you life.
After today there's no looking back
Beginning tomorrow get your life on back on track.
Sleep well, relax, hope lingers in the air.
Inhale the sweet pleasures that faith will take you there.
Believe, you shall receive. Call my name and open your heart.
I am your friend I would only listen, I put my trust in your every decision.
Without the judgement in my soul, maybe telling me could fill the hole.
You'll never know if you back out with doubt.
Isn't that something too talk about? Something that you could live without?
As the seasons that change within your soul, let winter not be the cold in your heart.
Just because you see what that it is cold and dead outside, does not mean you can't be warm inside.
Rekindle your love. Rekindle your passion.
Let your fire drive you and lead you in the right direction.
Keep in mind though your passion may not be perfect. You don't need to be the best out there, just be the best within yourself, That is all I care.
I Love you.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
I love you... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
I love you... I will open my heart, and tell you how I feel.
I love you... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your dreams with love and support.
I love you...I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today,
Remembrance day,
The day that many of us remember our loved ones who fought so hard to stay alive.
The love you've never really lost. Love is forever. Our lost love's are waiting on the other side.
That the pain they have suffered, is merely a tainted scar, because underneath the surface the damage didn't get too far.
As spiritual beings, we are surrounded, protected by an invisible source, in everyone's heart I speak, is the voice of our dear Lord.
I remember today as a day that I remember the love in my heart for all those people who suffered or are suffering. All the family that lived through it.
Deepest sympathies for those who could not be with us today. My loved one's. Your loved one's. It is with such fond memories in my life that have kept me going. The future holds a glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow.
So that in my own battle for survival, I live a success. I am remembered in the end.
As 11/11 seems to be the driving force of my life, I am purposely delivering this message, so that my heart is open to change.
I am willing to do whatever it takes.
This was my first task.
Love & prayers,
God bless
P.S
The exact time I finished this post was at 11:11pm on November 11th.
I would be more than happy to give you an honest answer.
I you want help, seek it.
I would be more than willing to be a listening ear.
If you want advise, experience it.
Decide for yourself, and ask me to embrace it with you, with just as much passion.
I will be your support.
If you want to learn something, DO IT!! Learn all that you want to know.
Then decide if it's worth your time.
If you want something out of reach, grab a stool, and stand on your tip toes,
until you can grasp it firmly, then relax with the reflections of your journey.
Look how far you've come to get there.
If someone tells you that you can't,
Prove them wrong, or accept your losses and start over. Perhaps starting over would be the beginning of a new life, that you love more.
A breath of fresh air. Take it. You can.
You can breath, you can live, and you can enjoy each day until the very last.
Why are you stuck somewhere that is unmotivating/depressing your every strengths into weaknesses? What can you do to change it? What have you got to lose, why not make the next step? Why are you so afraid to move forward? Why are you so afraid of your own truth? And why is it that you are so afraid to ask for help? Not only just by asking, but by accepting it as well.
Why can't you accept it, if it will make you feel better? Why turn your back on something good? Why is it that you feel that you don't deserve it? Who did you believe, that froze your insides. That in that instant, your body grew up, but your mind never had the chance to, because that person you believed.
That person that told you you couldn't do something was nobody other than yourself,
after you heard it the first time.
Children are cruel. They don't know any better, and the only mannerisms they learn need to be taught. Which is why I would much rather take a stand, and set a positive example, so that one day our children will look back and remember all those wonderful memories that brought us closer.
That looking back at those magical moments, and being thankful for all that you experienced and all the lessons that you learned from making mistakes along the way,
Brings you to this exact moment and who you are today.
You are a better person, because you have decided that you've had enough.
Your lifting it up off your shoulders and throwing as far away from you as you can.
Today is the day you take in all that you deserve. All the love and support, all the encouragement, all the affection... BECAUSE YOU ARE LOVED. Today is the day that you will give back many times more than you receive, and feel good about it. Humble your heart with the beauty of love, laughter and life.
I love you. When you mess up, and feel guilty because you've fallen off the wagon again. For the first. Second. Tenth time. I still love you and I always will.
No one or anything can ever come between that love. No comprise. No temptation. No weakness. I love you know matter what. And because I love you that much. Because I would die for you, but live now inside of you, in your heart. I ask you, that all I need from loving you is for you to love me.
Love me.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
Love me... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
Love me... and tell me your hurt, I will pray for your healing.
Love me... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your aspirations with love and support.
Love me... and I will protect you. I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today, remember the day,
The day that changed you life.
After today there's no looking back
Beginning tomorrow get your life on back on track.
Sleep well, relax, hope lingers in the air.
Inhale the sweet pleasures that faith will take you there.
Believe, you shall receive. Call my name and open your heart.
I am your friend I would only listen, I put my trust in your every decision.
Without the judgement in my soul, maybe telling me could fill the hole.
You'll never know if you back out with doubt.
Isn't that something too talk about? Something that you could live without?
As the seasons that change within your soul, let winter not be the cold in your heart.
Just because you see what that it is cold and dead outside, does not mean you can't be warm inside.
Rekindle your love. Rekindle your passion.
Let your fire drive you and lead you in the right direction.
Keep in mind though your passion may not be perfect. You don't need to be the best out there, just be the best within yourself, That is all I care.
I Love you.... I will love you until the end and thereafter.
I love you... I will bring you the peace and happiness you are looking for.
I love you... I will open my heart, and tell you how I feel.
I love you... and I will devote my spirit, fur-fill your dreams with love and support.
I love you...I will never betray you. I will not hurt you.
I will not judge.
Love me as I love you.
Love yourself as you love me.
Remember today,
Remembrance day,
The day that many of us remember our loved ones who fought so hard to stay alive.
The love you've never really lost. Love is forever. Our lost love's are waiting on the other side.
That the pain they have suffered, is merely a tainted scar, because underneath the surface the damage didn't get too far.
As spiritual beings, we are surrounded, protected by an invisible source, in everyone's heart I speak, is the voice of our dear Lord.
I remember today as a day that I remember the love in my heart for all those people who suffered or are suffering. All the family that lived through it.
Deepest sympathies for those who could not be with us today. My loved one's. Your loved one's. It is with such fond memories in my life that have kept me going. The future holds a glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow.
So that in my own battle for survival, I live a success. I am remembered in the end.
As 11/11 seems to be the driving force of my life, I am purposely delivering this message, so that my heart is open to change.
I am willing to do whatever it takes.
This was my first task.
Love & prayers,
God bless
P.S
The exact time I finished this post was at 11:11pm on November 11th.
posted by Michelle at 9:18 PM
0 comments
Saturday, November 01, 2008
We had a wonderful Halloween. Rebecca enjoyed her first 'Trick or treat', and said her good-byes with a polite thank-you. She was dressed as a sweet little Lady Bug, and sweet she was melting the hearts of many.
We went to Cornwall to visit Ma mere, at the pet store beforehand. Rebecca enjoyed petting the kittens, and making fish faces into the aquariums. Her favorite source of entertainment was no doubt the cat toys.
After our night out, we ended up in Johnstown to visit my parents. Our tuckered out little girl was ready for bed.
So now we come to the first of November. A 'White Rabbit' as my grandad would say. In his memory I pulled out some old home movies, in search of a one minute video footage of my grandad. Most of the time he was the one who stood behind the camera, but I remembered there was one clip among all of them with his smiling face that I yearned to see again. His laughter that lit up the room. His voice.
I found it. He was singing his silly song...
'What do you do with a drunken sailor' Which my mother began and my grandad joined in.
'What do you do with a drunken sailor', That finished with a 'Early in the morning', but instead he raised his beer and sang, 'Give him another beer.'
Then he entertained us with a shuffle.
My eyes watered to see him again. To hear his voice that I miss so much. I don't think a day goes by that I don't think about him. I Love you, and I will never forget you.
posted by Michelle at 1:20 PM
0 comments
Friday, October 10, 2008
I can't tell you how sorry I am.
Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?
Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?
posted by Michelle at 8:24 PM
0 comments
Sunday, October 05, 2008
It's October already. The leaves have begun to change color, and fall from the trees with the changing season. Waking up at seven-thirty seems to get a little harder, without the early morning sun... and with it the undeniable chill.
Today Becca is eighteen months old.
As the baby stages have become a thing of the past, toddlerhood welcomes so many new and exciting surprises. For the first time I am able to get a glimpse of her world, as her personality unfolds right before my eyes.
On many occasions she has caught us off guard... Dave and myself exchanging glances, our mouths open with shock. Lately it's the sweet, soft 'Night, night. Love you' That blows me away. It melts my heart.
Today Becca is eighteen months old.
As the baby stages have become a thing of the past, toddlerhood welcomes so many new and exciting surprises. For the first time I am able to get a glimpse of her world, as her personality unfolds right before my eyes.
On many occasions she has caught us off guard... Dave and myself exchanging glances, our mouths open with shock. Lately it's the sweet, soft 'Night, night. Love you' That blows me away. It melts my heart.
posted by Michelle at 9:31 AM
0 comments
Saturday, October 04, 2008
What next??
An experiment demonstrated with children ages 6-13 on the affects of negative media advertisement as to 'What is beautiful?' was absolutely shocking. I was horrified to see what results it produced. The kids were asked to pick an outfit to wear, out of many both suitable for children and some a little more outrageous.
A six year old girl picked a top that had written on the front 'Sexy'.
When asked if she new what the word meant she replied, 'It means that boys like you'.
Scary isn't it?
At work the other day, I catch a glimpse of a new barbie doll 'Top model' addition. Complete with a mini shirt that was sickly short, fishnet stockings, a shirt the size of a bandanna, high heels and overdone makeup. Ages 6+.
Yeah right!! She looked like she should be on a street corner, and this is what the market is selling to our children.
I'm disgusted.
I grew up with barbie dolls, and now I can't even look at half of them.
Something so innocent, has been destroyed. What next???
A six year old girl picked a top that had written on the front 'Sexy'.
When asked if she new what the word meant she replied, 'It means that boys like you'.
Scary isn't it?
At work the other day, I catch a glimpse of a new barbie doll 'Top model' addition. Complete with a mini shirt that was sickly short, fishnet stockings, a shirt the size of a bandanna, high heels and overdone makeup. Ages 6+.
Yeah right!! She looked like she should be on a street corner, and this is what the market is selling to our children.
I'm disgusted.
I grew up with barbie dolls, and now I can't even look at half of them.
Something so innocent, has been destroyed. What next???
posted by Michelle at 11:26 AM
1 comments
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Take a stand
Stand up for yourself, stand up to what you believe.
Why did you decide so quick to give up on your dreams?
Stand up on your own two feet, when the world expects you to fall.
Why should it be left in the hands of someone else to make you feel so small?
Stand up, expose your open wounds to all.
Show the world, prove them wrong, through wreckage you stand tall.
Why did you decide so quick to give up on your dreams?
Stand up on your own two feet, when the world expects you to fall.
Why should it be left in the hands of someone else to make you feel so small?
Stand up, expose your open wounds to all.
Show the world, prove them wrong, through wreckage you stand tall.
posted by Michelle at 2:30 PM
0 comments
Throwing out the trash.... not a simple task
After reading back through my journal I've discovered so much about myself, that I have kept locked within. My fears of insecurity have been unleashed... First things first, I'm not going to worry about it anymore, so lastly; my final step, throw it out there.
'As the insecurities surface without warning. I realize that these are feelings I can no longer hide. All the pain, all the shame held deep inside.
I hate being so defensive towards constructive criticism
I hate feeling insignificant
I hate humor at anyone's expense, especially my own
I hate asking, yet I don't like telling
I hate that I can't make up my mind
I hate not having control, yet being to afraid to take it
I hate that I procrastinate out of fear, not because I'm lazy
I hate that I have such a hard time focusing on a simple task
I hate that I can't just pick up the phone and make a simple call
I hate feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job
I hate feeling judged
I hate cosmetics, and feeling like I need to wear make up to be beautiful
I hate that I want to look older, when I know someday I'll want to look younger
I hate that my wardrobe affects my self esteem
I hate how I can be selfish, how I'd prefer to sulk and be miserable than talk
I hate how I can't help but get so emotional when I talk about my feelings
I hate that I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you
I am a free spirit;
I like freedom
I like being spontaneous
I like adventure, nature, beauty
I like room to grow, not small spaces; suffocation, limits
I like plain white paper, without feeling restricted by lines, and staying within the boundaries
I like unfolding mystery, guessing, suspense, thrills, rides
I like laughter, hugs & kisses, warmth, comfort
I like feeling appreciated
I like to make you feel special, I feel grateful and
I like saying thank you
Thank you for being you, and for bringing out the best in me.
Caught up in the everyday rush, I tend to look past all the wonderful things that make life worth living.
I love you.'
There you have it, and I feel so much better.
Thanks for reading.
'As the insecurities surface without warning. I realize that these are feelings I can no longer hide. All the pain, all the shame held deep inside.
I hate being so defensive towards constructive criticism
I hate feeling insignificant
I hate humor at anyone's expense, especially my own
I hate asking, yet I don't like telling
I hate that I can't make up my mind
I hate not having control, yet being to afraid to take it
I hate that I procrastinate out of fear, not because I'm lazy
I hate that I have such a hard time focusing on a simple task
I hate that I can't just pick up the phone and make a simple call
I hate feeling like I'm not doing a good enough job
I hate feeling judged
I hate cosmetics, and feeling like I need to wear make up to be beautiful
I hate that I want to look older, when I know someday I'll want to look younger
I hate that my wardrobe affects my self esteem
I hate how I can be selfish, how I'd prefer to sulk and be miserable than talk
I hate how I can't help but get so emotional when I talk about my feelings
I hate that I can't find the words to tell you how much I love you
I am a free spirit;
I like freedom
I like being spontaneous
I like adventure, nature, beauty
I like room to grow, not small spaces; suffocation, limits
I like plain white paper, without feeling restricted by lines, and staying within the boundaries
I like unfolding mystery, guessing, suspense, thrills, rides
I like laughter, hugs & kisses, warmth, comfort
I like feeling appreciated
I like to make you feel special, I feel grateful and
I like saying thank you
Thank you for being you, and for bringing out the best in me.
Caught up in the everyday rush, I tend to look past all the wonderful things that make life worth living.
I love you.'
There you have it, and I feel so much better.
Thanks for reading.
posted by Michelle at 1:43 PM
0 comments
Too young for motherhood? Enough already.
So this is my dilemma; call it what you will, I call it irritating.
A typical conversation might begin with small talk, and always comes down to the simple curiosity and probing question, 'you look a little young to be a mother', or 'she can not be yours, your like in high school'.
Based on your lack of knowledge, comments like that don't ease the conversation along any easier. Already I feel backed into a corner, and looking for anything to use as my defense. So maybe I do look a little young for my age. More like a student, fresh out of high school, than a young adult of twenty-four, but really it shouldn't make a difference. Age is just a number. Theoretically speaking, you can be twenty, thirty or forty, and in some cases never ready for children.
Shouldn't parenthood be based on level of maturity?
Obviously, I am not thumbs up to teenage pregnancy. The teenage years should be devoted to sense of self and understanding and throwing a baby into the mix would only complicate what's already a roller coaster of emotions.
Initially, I would feel a slight sense of embarrassment, and reveal my age, hoping it would be deemed acceptable. Until now, I have decided it is really not their business, nor do I wish to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing. Besides I like to keep them guessing, and causing such a stir among the older mothers.
I was once asked, 'So are you the nanny, or the sister?' Without missing a beat I replied, 'I'm her mother', and feeling proud of it.
To answer your question, because I know your just dying to know...
My daughter is my life. Everything I do is for her, and everything I am is because of her. I am not ashamed that I don't have an outstanding career, and currently not working up the chain towards financial success. Nor does material status matter to me at all. That does not mean that I have no goals for our future.
I have my own conquests, a direction I visualize a little further down the road, but right now, my family is my number one focus. This time that I have been given is the most valuable, precious and fulfilling experience I could ever ask for, and it goes by way to quickly as it is.
A typical conversation might begin with small talk, and always comes down to the simple curiosity and probing question, 'you look a little young to be a mother', or 'she can not be yours, your like in high school'.
Based on your lack of knowledge, comments like that don't ease the conversation along any easier. Already I feel backed into a corner, and looking for anything to use as my defense. So maybe I do look a little young for my age. More like a student, fresh out of high school, than a young adult of twenty-four, but really it shouldn't make a difference. Age is just a number. Theoretically speaking, you can be twenty, thirty or forty, and in some cases never ready for children.
Shouldn't parenthood be based on level of maturity?
Obviously, I am not thumbs up to teenage pregnancy. The teenage years should be devoted to sense of self and understanding and throwing a baby into the mix would only complicate what's already a roller coaster of emotions.
Initially, I would feel a slight sense of embarrassment, and reveal my age, hoping it would be deemed acceptable. Until now, I have decided it is really not their business, nor do I wish to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing. Besides I like to keep them guessing, and causing such a stir among the older mothers.
I was once asked, 'So are you the nanny, or the sister?' Without missing a beat I replied, 'I'm her mother', and feeling proud of it.
To answer your question, because I know your just dying to know...
My daughter is my life. Everything I do is for her, and everything I am is because of her. I am not ashamed that I don't have an outstanding career, and currently not working up the chain towards financial success. Nor does material status matter to me at all. That does not mean that I have no goals for our future.
I have my own conquests, a direction I visualize a little further down the road, but right now, my family is my number one focus. This time that I have been given is the most valuable, precious and fulfilling experience I could ever ask for, and it goes by way to quickly as it is.
posted by Michelle at 12:51 PM
0 comments
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Growing up
There's so much that she understands, as her mind trickles over with curiosity, and opens itself to a whole new world.
We finished up our bath time routine on schedule, when we found ourselves making faces into the mirror.
'Show mommy your 'happy' face' I said. We both smiled our biggest smiles. So big in fact our eyes disappeared.
'Show mommy your 'sad' face. I said. We both stared at our frowning faces in the mirror. It was then that Becca started sniffling, and used her index finger to show a tear falling down her face. 'Boo hoo'. She cried. Amazing.
'Show mommy you 'Angry' face.' I said.
'Angry' Becca repeated, as she gave her most cross expression. We both shared a good laugh, followed by hugs and kisses.
Becca will be 17 months next week. Our little girl is growing up.
We finished up our bath time routine on schedule, when we found ourselves making faces into the mirror.
'Show mommy your 'happy' face' I said. We both smiled our biggest smiles. So big in fact our eyes disappeared.
'Show mommy your 'sad' face. I said. We both stared at our frowning faces in the mirror. It was then that Becca started sniffling, and used her index finger to show a tear falling down her face. 'Boo hoo'. She cried. Amazing.
'Show mommy you 'Angry' face.' I said.
'Angry' Becca repeated, as she gave her most cross expression. We both shared a good laugh, followed by hugs and kisses.
Becca will be 17 months next week. Our little girl is growing up.
posted by Michelle at 9:30 PM
0 comments
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Unknown
A long time ago,
but not so long ago...
I met someone who changed my life.
Who seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
I experienced everything through new eyes, as though every time I blinked I was seeing everything for the first time.
The most glorious color. So vibrant, so vivid. The urge to touch it has become so irrestible. How have I not seen it like this before? How could I have been so blind? There everything whispered right in front of me, like a breath of fresh air.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Oxygen. Never in my life had I been so thankful to breathe. Every breath before, I had taken for granted. I breathe so deeply, my lungs feel about to burst.
Experience has changed me.
Overwhelming obstacles, sorrow and many tears have made me stronger.
A long time ago,
but not so long ago...
losing someone changed my life.
It seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
The grief has gripped me, and the world has been put on hold.
I lose sight of color, and visible to me now, is not much more than black in white.
The physical pain is unbearable. The knots in my stomach seem to tighten with my throat. That breath of fresh air... is a struggle. I feel as though I am suffocating.
With passing time, the world of the unknown... returns as it was.
The feeling of my return was like arriving home, unveiled with comfort.
but not so long ago...
I met someone who changed my life.
Who seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
I experienced everything through new eyes, as though every time I blinked I was seeing everything for the first time.
The most glorious color. So vibrant, so vivid. The urge to touch it has become so irrestible. How have I not seen it like this before? How could I have been so blind? There everything whispered right in front of me, like a breath of fresh air.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Oxygen. Never in my life had I been so thankful to breathe. Every breath before, I had taken for granted. I breathe so deeply, my lungs feel about to burst.
Experience has changed me.
Overwhelming obstacles, sorrow and many tears have made me stronger.
A long time ago,
but not so long ago...
losing someone changed my life.
It seemed to have opened my eyes to a world full of the unknown.
The grief has gripped me, and the world has been put on hold.
I lose sight of color, and visible to me now, is not much more than black in white.
The physical pain is unbearable. The knots in my stomach seem to tighten with my throat. That breath of fresh air... is a struggle. I feel as though I am suffocating.
With passing time, the world of the unknown... returns as it was.
The feeling of my return was like arriving home, unveiled with comfort.
posted by Michelle at 7:58 PM
0 comments
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thoughtful message
Last week as I took my seat on the bus, I couldn't help but notice in front of me a middle aged man talking to an elderly man. The elderly man was deeply sympathetic towards this man, not dare interrupting a word he said. He just sat there and listened.
The middle aged man looked in a state of crisis, fighting hard to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.
It was when the elderly man stood to his feet when the bus had finally reached his stop that they said their good-byes. Before he left, he turned and said, 'You will live as long as you want, as long as you want as long you will live.'
The comment must have hit home with me, as the message has implanted itself within my soul.
The middle aged man looked in a state of crisis, fighting hard to keep the tears from spilling down his cheeks.
It was when the elderly man stood to his feet when the bus had finally reached his stop that they said their good-byes. Before he left, he turned and said, 'You will live as long as you want, as long as you want as long you will live.'
The comment must have hit home with me, as the message has implanted itself within my soul.
posted by Michelle at 12:17 PM
1 comments
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Hidden Talents
Matthew 25:14-30 / The parable of the talents
'God gives us time, abilities, gifts and other resources, and he expects us to invest in them wisely until He returns. We are expected to use well what God has given us.
The issue is not how much we have, but what we do with what we have.'
___________________________________________________________
I have been given the ability to change, only to come up with another excuse.
All the power is within me, what have I got to lose?
The time I have been given is limited, each day, one day closer to the end.
I will not waste another day, I must carry through with God's great plan.
So many gifts I have to work with, some may need more time to grow.
Each mature at a different pace, some quickly and others slow.
'Hidden talents emerge out of the shadows.
New inspirations are born.
Your capabilities may surprise you, as you discover yourself for the first time.'
'God gives us time, abilities, gifts and other resources, and he expects us to invest in them wisely until He returns. We are expected to use well what God has given us.
The issue is not how much we have, but what we do with what we have.'
___________________________________________________________
I have been given the ability to change, only to come up with another excuse.
All the power is within me, what have I got to lose?
The time I have been given is limited, each day, one day closer to the end.
I will not waste another day, I must carry through with God's great plan.
So many gifts I have to work with, some may need more time to grow.
Each mature at a different pace, some quickly and others slow.
'Hidden talents emerge out of the shadows.
New inspirations are born.
Your capabilities may surprise you, as you discover yourself for the first time.'
posted by Michelle at 7:41 PM
1 comments
Friday, February 01, 2008
First tooth
Last night during Becca's bath, I made a discovery. Her first tooth, just five days shy of ten months. That explains the night time wake up calls.
Just thought I'd share the news.
Just thought I'd share the news.
posted by Michelle at 6:03 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Behind those eyes 'Revised version'
Eyes full of wonder, a clueless mystery.
A puzzle with a picture, that only you can see.
Hidden behind those eyes, that I try to look so deep.
Memories bound in your mind, secrets that you keep.
Yearning to know more, not intending to pry.
I just want to see what you see behind those eyes.
Eyes full of passion, flowing creativity.
Humbled by your nature, your sensitivity.
Hidden behind those eyes, is a journey our love now shares.
Once we had uncovered what was underneath the layers.
Pure love, naked of disguise.
The untold secret, hiding behind those eyes.
A puzzle with a picture, that only you can see.
Hidden behind those eyes, that I try to look so deep.
Memories bound in your mind, secrets that you keep.
Yearning to know more, not intending to pry.
I just want to see what you see behind those eyes.
Eyes full of passion, flowing creativity.
Humbled by your nature, your sensitivity.
Hidden behind those eyes, is a journey our love now shares.
Once we had uncovered what was underneath the layers.
Pure love, naked of disguise.
The untold secret, hiding behind those eyes.
posted by Michelle at 12:45 PM
0 comments
Friday, January 25, 2008
Why do I write?
Frustration. anger. Am I losing my mind?
Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the time.
Patiently waiting for the words to flow free,
Why I write, makes no sense to me.
Something inside is holding me back,
I try to compensate for all that I lack.
Ignoring the block I continue to write,
but all I see is black and white.
Sometimes I wonder if it is worth the time.
Patiently waiting for the words to flow free,
Why I write, makes no sense to me.
Something inside is holding me back,
I try to compensate for all that I lack.
Ignoring the block I continue to write,
but all I see is black and white.
posted by Michelle at 10:55 PM
2 comments
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Over and Out
I awoke this morning to my usual wake up call. Eight O' Clock, on the button. Only this morning, Becca had something in store for me. A surprise that she knew would bring a smile to my face, because when I opened the door, she was aleady beaming, as if she were saying, 'look what I did mommy.' Smiling from ear to ear and batting her eye lashes, she was so proud. Becca had pulled herself up, all on her own. Holding the rail, as if it were a prize winning trophy. I scooped her up in my arms, and smothered her face with kisses.
Looks like it's time to lower the mattress before Becca goes over and out.
Among the other skills she's acquired. Finger painting is definately one of her top three favorites. Food finger painting, while I stand at the side lines and let go of that little ounce of control I once had. Hoping that some of it, actually makes it into her mouth. She has become so independent.
Last night she dumped all the toys out of her box, and flipped the box over face down. She then proceeded to use it as a walker, pushing it while on her knees. Then pulling herself up so that she was not quite standing, but hunched over. I watched, amazed. Here I am witnessing a miracle, as Rebecca progressively reaches these wonderous milestones. What I can teach her, and what she learns on her own is what I live for. This is my purpose.
Looks like it's time to lower the mattress before Becca goes over and out.
Among the other skills she's acquired. Finger painting is definately one of her top three favorites. Food finger painting, while I stand at the side lines and let go of that little ounce of control I once had. Hoping that some of it, actually makes it into her mouth. She has become so independent.
Last night she dumped all the toys out of her box, and flipped the box over face down. She then proceeded to use it as a walker, pushing it while on her knees. Then pulling herself up so that she was not quite standing, but hunched over. I watched, amazed. Here I am witnessing a miracle, as Rebecca progressively reaches these wonderous milestones. What I can teach her, and what she learns on her own is what I live for. This is my purpose.
posted by Michelle at 10:09 AM
0 comments
Thursday, January 10, 2008
One day you'll be free
It saddens me, to see you this way.
That your personality has been altered before my eyes.
I didn't want to believe that this could happen to you, that you would never be able to recognize.
There is no reasoning, there is nothing, that could ever change your mind.
You plead with everyone, but all you want to hear, is that everything is fine.
Your world has become so frustrating, you can't seem to convince anyone that you are sane.
All the while you are losing your mind, the illness is to blame.
Don't forget that I love you.
Nothing will ever change who you are to me.
Stay strong, there is hope, that one day you'll be free.
That your personality has been altered before my eyes.
I didn't want to believe that this could happen to you, that you would never be able to recognize.
There is no reasoning, there is nothing, that could ever change your mind.
You plead with everyone, but all you want to hear, is that everything is fine.
Your world has become so frustrating, you can't seem to convince anyone that you are sane.
All the while you are losing your mind, the illness is to blame.
Don't forget that I love you.
Nothing will ever change who you are to me.
Stay strong, there is hope, that one day you'll be free.
posted by Michelle at 4:31 PM
0 comments
Spoon for a giant
'Becca', I say in my most authoritive voice. 'No'. Her back legs continue to pump, pushing her body forward. She's on a mission. The phone cord has sparked her curiousity. A little hand reaches out. A little closer.
The sound out the kitchen drawer opening, brings her attention back to me. I pull out a laddle, and her eyes beam with excitement. She turns her body away from the forbidden cord, to investigate what it is that I am holding. 'Look at this Becca,' I say enthusiastically as I kneal down at her level. 'It's a spoon for a giant.'
I am amazed how something so small and so ordinary can bring so much joy. A beautiful moment.
The sound out the kitchen drawer opening, brings her attention back to me. I pull out a laddle, and her eyes beam with excitement. She turns her body away from the forbidden cord, to investigate what it is that I am holding. 'Look at this Becca,' I say enthusiastically as I kneal down at her level. 'It's a spoon for a giant.'
I am amazed how something so small and so ordinary can bring so much joy. A beautiful moment.
posted by Michelle at 4:16 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Bumble Bee
When she laughs, it is music to my ears. Whatever it was that made her laugh, I repeat over and over as her laughs become more hysterical and then.... it's not funny anymore.
Today it was two words: Bumble Bee. I covered my face with my hands and when I opened them, instead of saying peekaboo, I said what ever animal her animal wheel spun to. Bumble Bee, she threw her head back with laughter. 'Bumble Bee' I repeated, this time a little louder and a little more crazy, she laughed so hard I bet she pee'd in her diaper. After about ten bumble bee's, I was lucky if I got a half smile. She was over it five minutes ago, but mommy was having so much fun.
Today it was two words: Bumble Bee. I covered my face with my hands and when I opened them, instead of saying peekaboo, I said what ever animal her animal wheel spun to. Bumble Bee, she threw her head back with laughter. 'Bumble Bee' I repeated, this time a little louder and a little more crazy, she laughed so hard I bet she pee'd in her diaper. After about ten bumble bee's, I was lucky if I got a half smile. She was over it five minutes ago, but mommy was having so much fun.
posted by Michelle at 2:31 PM
0 comments
Is there meaning?
Say what you mean, mean what you say.
Is there a meaning beind those words?
A point you wish to convey?
Will it make me feel better, or make me feel worse?
Is it so important to say to me, that you can't listen to me first?
It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
It's all in your tone of voice.
Are you asking me or are you telling me? Are you giving me a choice?
Don't corner me, don't prey on me, don't pressure me to change.
This is who I am, this is what I believe and I am not ashamed.
I am aloud to shed some tears, what gives you the right to say...
This is how it is, there is no other way.
In some ways it still angers me, that I put up with you for so long.
I also want to thank you, for making me so strong.
Is there a meaning beind those words?
A point you wish to convey?
Will it make me feel better, or make me feel worse?
Is it so important to say to me, that you can't listen to me first?
It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
It's all in your tone of voice.
Are you asking me or are you telling me? Are you giving me a choice?
Don't corner me, don't prey on me, don't pressure me to change.
This is who I am, this is what I believe and I am not ashamed.
I am aloud to shed some tears, what gives you the right to say...
This is how it is, there is no other way.
In some ways it still angers me, that I put up with you for so long.
I also want to thank you, for making me so strong.
posted by Michelle at 2:05 PM
0 comments
Monday, December 17, 2007
Key to my heart
Haunted by the blank screen, empty of my thoughts.
A prisioner held captive against my will.
Held back by a force so strong behind these bars of steel.
The key to unlock this cell is hidden, but well within my reach.
The means of finding the hidden key requires me to search so deep.
Deep in my heart is the answer and the only way I can be free.
Deep in my heart hidden is the one and only key.
A prisioner held captive against my will.
Held back by a force so strong behind these bars of steel.
The key to unlock this cell is hidden, but well within my reach.
The means of finding the hidden key requires me to search so deep.
Deep in my heart is the answer and the only way I can be free.
Deep in my heart hidden is the one and only key.
posted by Michelle at 11:28 AM
0 comments
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Waiting for me
I try not to think of you,
atleast while I'm awake.
It is then that I realize that I will never see you again.
In my dreams you come to me,
it's as though no time has passed.
I hold you.
I talk to you.
I smile at you.
I have you.
You look into my eyes with such sincere trust.
I remember when you used to look at me that way.
I remember the way you listened when I spoke.
Even though you couldn't understand my pain, you knew that I needed you.
In my dreams you give me a sense of peace.
I don't wake up sad anymore.
I don't wake up grief stricken that it was only a dream.
I wake up refreshed.
I know deep down that even though you are not there to comfort me physically in the waking world.
You are in a better place, waiting for me.
atleast while I'm awake.
It is then that I realize that I will never see you again.
In my dreams you come to me,
it's as though no time has passed.
I hold you.
I talk to you.
I smile at you.
I have you.
You look into my eyes with such sincere trust.
I remember when you used to look at me that way.
I remember the way you listened when I spoke.
Even though you couldn't understand my pain, you knew that I needed you.
In my dreams you give me a sense of peace.
I don't wake up sad anymore.
I don't wake up grief stricken that it was only a dream.
I wake up refreshed.
I know deep down that even though you are not there to comfort me physically in the waking world.
You are in a better place, waiting for me.
posted by Michelle at 3:34 PM
0 comments
Monday, December 03, 2007
Has it really been eight months?
Was browsing through some photos on my dad's computer and I came across a few of Rebecca's newborn pictures. That beautiful sleeper she is wearing, I bought for her the day I found out I was pregnant. She's grown so fast, that looking back at these pictures, it's almost hard to believe how small she was.
posted by Michelle at 8:21 PM
0 comments
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Touching Memoir.... Could I write one?
I was deeply inspired by the 'Glass Castle'. A memoir by Jeanette Walls.
It takes tremendous courage to reveal the truth. It's terrifying. I've really tried to be more open. More expressive. More honest with myself and those around me.
I could never seem to get the words out. I'm not sure whether it was a look, it never seemed to be the right time, you were distracted, you weren't in the mood, or maybe you had a hard day.
I was always held back by fear. Fear of embarassment, rejection, disappointment, fear of being mocked, fear of breaking my spirit, fear of losing hope, and fear of losing respect.
I realize now that I am entitled to my own opinion. That it is okay if we disagree on something and work out a comprimise.
What I am so curious about is how Jeanette Walls broke past that barrier of fear?
I am an aspiring writer. It is my dream to do what her story did to me. I was in search of a memoir, mostly because I have been considering for some time now to find the strength and courage to write my own. I went out on a quest to find a story of an unknown. I didn't care to read the life of someone famous. I specifically searched for a nobody, like me.
I was drawn into the book, by something I could relate with. Guilt.
'The Glass Castle', blew me away. It was one of the most courageous books I had ever read. As I read the last page and closed the book, I realized that Jeanette Walls is not a nobody. Jeanette Walls is a hero. A role model. A mentor. Maybe not to everyone, but in my eyes she certainly is a somebody. That is when it hit me. What if I could touch someones heart in that way. Reach out to someone. Maybe inspire someone else to be brave.
What if could write about my life in a way that someone could relate to.
It wasn't until college that I realized how afraid I was to be myself. I began my first day with a nervous laugh, and not being able to look people in the face when I spoke. My eyes were subconciously directed to the floor. It was in college that my professor in speech noticed that as soon as I felt conflict/confrontation I held my breath. After everyone left she called on me.
'Michelle, relax your body. Just relax.' Easy enough. I relaxed.
'I want you to look at me and say, how dare you.'
'How dare you.' I say weakly.
'Okay, now I want you to say the exact same thing, but I want you to reach that back wall.'
'How dare you,' I say, a little louder. Immediately my jaw clenched and my body stiffened. My professor felt this change. She stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders.
'Now, I want you to shout it Michelle. I want to hear you on the other side of this school. Your angry at me and I want to here you. Use your diaphram and push it out.
'HOW DARE YOU,' I collapsed. My legs could not support my words of anger. I couldn't seem to stop the tears.
It was in college that I realized I was afraid of my own voice, directed in a negative way. I realized that I have never in my life yelled out of anger.
It takes tremendous courage to reveal the truth. It's terrifying. I've really tried to be more open. More expressive. More honest with myself and those around me.
I could never seem to get the words out. I'm not sure whether it was a look, it never seemed to be the right time, you were distracted, you weren't in the mood, or maybe you had a hard day.
I was always held back by fear. Fear of embarassment, rejection, disappointment, fear of being mocked, fear of breaking my spirit, fear of losing hope, and fear of losing respect.
I realize now that I am entitled to my own opinion. That it is okay if we disagree on something and work out a comprimise.
What I am so curious about is how Jeanette Walls broke past that barrier of fear?
I am an aspiring writer. It is my dream to do what her story did to me. I was in search of a memoir, mostly because I have been considering for some time now to find the strength and courage to write my own. I went out on a quest to find a story of an unknown. I didn't care to read the life of someone famous. I specifically searched for a nobody, like me.
I was drawn into the book, by something I could relate with. Guilt.
'The Glass Castle', blew me away. It was one of the most courageous books I had ever read. As I read the last page and closed the book, I realized that Jeanette Walls is not a nobody. Jeanette Walls is a hero. A role model. A mentor. Maybe not to everyone, but in my eyes she certainly is a somebody. That is when it hit me. What if I could touch someones heart in that way. Reach out to someone. Maybe inspire someone else to be brave.
What if could write about my life in a way that someone could relate to.
It wasn't until college that I realized how afraid I was to be myself. I began my first day with a nervous laugh, and not being able to look people in the face when I spoke. My eyes were subconciously directed to the floor. It was in college that my professor in speech noticed that as soon as I felt conflict/confrontation I held my breath. After everyone left she called on me.
'Michelle, relax your body. Just relax.' Easy enough. I relaxed.
'I want you to look at me and say, how dare you.'
'How dare you.' I say weakly.
'Okay, now I want you to say the exact same thing, but I want you to reach that back wall.'
'How dare you,' I say, a little louder. Immediately my jaw clenched and my body stiffened. My professor felt this change. She stood behind me with her hands on my shoulders.
'Now, I want you to shout it Michelle. I want to hear you on the other side of this school. Your angry at me and I want to here you. Use your diaphram and push it out.
'HOW DARE YOU,' I collapsed. My legs could not support my words of anger. I couldn't seem to stop the tears.
It was in college that I realized I was afraid of my own voice, directed in a negative way. I realized that I have never in my life yelled out of anger.
posted by Michelle at 7:01 PM
0 comments
Bless you
I never want to forget.
These precious memories are imprinted in my mind.
Frozen pictures that will be cherished until the end of time.
My beautiful baby girl, know that when I hold you in my arms and look into your eyes,
the love that keeps my heart pounding, is love that never dies.
Time is passing by so fast it seems.
sometimes it feels too good to be true.
When I wake up, it sometimes feels like a dream.
How happy I am to have you.
A gift.
A blessing.
An angel sent from above.
Sweet Rebecca I'll protect you with rich blessings and lots of love.
These precious memories are imprinted in my mind.
Frozen pictures that will be cherished until the end of time.
My beautiful baby girl, know that when I hold you in my arms and look into your eyes,
the love that keeps my heart pounding, is love that never dies.
Time is passing by so fast it seems.
sometimes it feels too good to be true.
When I wake up, it sometimes feels like a dream.
How happy I am to have you.
A gift.
A blessing.
An angel sent from above.
Sweet Rebecca I'll protect you with rich blessings and lots of love.
posted by Michelle at 7:56 AM
0 comments
Sense of discovery
Restless as a leaf blowing in the breeze.
No control on which direction the wind carries me.
Might as well just enjoy the ride.
Maybe I shouldn't have had coffee so late last night. I couldn't help though.
We just bought a new coffee machine and we just had to try it out.
Also...
A sense of adventure.
A sense of discovery.
A sense of taste.... and so on.
If you have been captivated by this guilty pleasure, than this must sound all too familiar.
The commercials for Baily's Irish cream, have been very seductive.
It gave us the idea of frothing milk and adding a subtle hint of Baily's.
Mmmmm. Yum.
'Let your senses guide you.'
We did. With our coffee.
No control on which direction the wind carries me.
Might as well just enjoy the ride.
Maybe I shouldn't have had coffee so late last night. I couldn't help though.
We just bought a new coffee machine and we just had to try it out.
Also...
A sense of adventure.
A sense of discovery.
A sense of taste.... and so on.
If you have been captivated by this guilty pleasure, than this must sound all too familiar.
The commercials for Baily's Irish cream, have been very seductive.
It gave us the idea of frothing milk and adding a subtle hint of Baily's.
Mmmmm. Yum.
'Let your senses guide you.'
We did. With our coffee.
posted by Michelle at 7:38 AM
0 comments
Saturday, November 24, 2007
All that I need
Today, my life has changed.
For you, if you only knew.
The fire that you put in me,
sparked desire, to be the best I can be.
You gave me a promise of hope.
A passion for love,
I'll never give up,
only rise above.
Raise my hands up high,
Praise God for my life.
All that I need.
For you, if you only knew.
The fire that you put in me,
sparked desire, to be the best I can be.
You gave me a promise of hope.
A passion for love,
I'll never give up,
only rise above.
Raise my hands up high,
Praise God for my life.
All that I need.
posted by Michelle at 10:21 PM
0 comments
Snow!! Is it almost December?
Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Couldn't wait to go dashing through the snow, with our new baby sleigh. Bundled Rebecca all up layer upon layer, and when I finally got her all ready she looked like a marshmellow. I wanted to take a picture of her in her cute little snowsuit, but she began to vent her frustrations when she realized she couldn't move.
Outside a puzzled expression crossed her face, almost as though she were asking, 'What is all this white stuff?'
'Snow Rebecca!!! Look at all this snow!!' Dave picks up a handful of snow and throws it up into the air.
Becca looks up and smiles her most beautiful smile. Angelic. Warmed my heart, and nearly melted away our first snow fall.
We started our Christmas shopping today. One more month. The count down begins!!! I can't wait until the first of December. It has it's perks. What I'm really looking forward to is eating my first delicious little chocolate from the advent calender.
This is the ultimate challenge of self control. Will I be able to make the calender last all 24 days? That's only one chocolate a day. A tease to my taste buds.
I wonder what I should do when I visit my parents. Do I take the calender with me? Or should I eat the days I will be away in advance? That's about 3, maybe 4 chocolates.
What if I get carried away at four and can't stop? Maybe I should buy an extra calender. One to follow day by day and one for when I have no will power.
What to do?
jingle all the way!
O what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Couldn't wait to go dashing through the snow, with our new baby sleigh. Bundled Rebecca all up layer upon layer, and when I finally got her all ready she looked like a marshmellow. I wanted to take a picture of her in her cute little snowsuit, but she began to vent her frustrations when she realized she couldn't move.
Outside a puzzled expression crossed her face, almost as though she were asking, 'What is all this white stuff?'
'Snow Rebecca!!! Look at all this snow!!' Dave picks up a handful of snow and throws it up into the air.
Becca looks up and smiles her most beautiful smile. Angelic. Warmed my heart, and nearly melted away our first snow fall.
We started our Christmas shopping today. One more month. The count down begins!!! I can't wait until the first of December. It has it's perks. What I'm really looking forward to is eating my first delicious little chocolate from the advent calender.
This is the ultimate challenge of self control. Will I be able to make the calender last all 24 days? That's only one chocolate a day. A tease to my taste buds.
I wonder what I should do when I visit my parents. Do I take the calender with me? Or should I eat the days I will be away in advance? That's about 3, maybe 4 chocolates.
What if I get carried away at four and can't stop? Maybe I should buy an extra calender. One to follow day by day and one for when I have no will power.
What to do?
posted by Michelle at 9:09 PM
0 comments
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Smiling Face
A typical morning. A routine I've grown accustomed to. I've never been a really ambitious morning person, but how can you stay so sluggish when each morning you are greeted by a smiling face. A smile that seems to ask, 'What are we going to do today mom?' A smile that is ready for the adventure to begin. A smile that wants to explore the whole world with her mouth. Everything goes in the mouth.
Lately it's tags. Something about a toys tag, that is more interesting than the actual toy.
Rebecca will soon be going on eight months. I am looking forward to celebrating her very first Christmas. I wonder if we'll actually have any snow this year. A white Christmas would be nice.
Lately it's tags. Something about a toys tag, that is more interesting than the actual toy.
Rebecca will soon be going on eight months. I am looking forward to celebrating her very first Christmas. I wonder if we'll actually have any snow this year. A white Christmas would be nice.
posted by Michelle at 9:36 AM
1 comments
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Baby Proofing
Time to get down at Becca's level, and see everything through her eyes. By this I mean baby proofing. Her curious hands have discovered many things I still can't figure out. Such as how to get the lid off the peneten cream in less than a minute. I have a miniature Houdini on my hands. A very quick tummy tumbler, who's quite content with this new found rolling skill. She mastered the tricky manoeuver and is now on to bigger and better things. Pulling herself up.
posted by Michelle at 5:42 PM
0 comments
The Backyardigans
Catchy tunes. Eye catching colors. Brilliant choreography. A whole new adventure, and exciting experience every episode. From deep tropical rainforests, to enchanted castles.
My daughter is a little too young to understand the story lines, but the theme song brings a smile to her face every time. THE BACKYARDIGANS. It's funny that only five months ago, I had no clue who the backyardigans were, now I know them by name. Pablo, Tasha, Tyrone, Uniqua and Austin. You just can't help but sing along to the songs. Their tight harmonies are so pleasing to the ear, that the theme song itself is genious.
The show reminds me of the adventures I imagined in my own backyard. I think that's why it's grown on me.
It gives us the world through the eyes of our children, and reminds that we were that age to. I remember making a boat out of a cardboard box, and actually trying to float on it in a huge puddle. It became an even bigger adventure as it began to sink very quickly. We pretended to be ship wrecked on an island with nothing to eat but banana's. We'd leave banana peels hanging in the tree's in hopes that more banana's would grow.
The imagination we had to create such fantasies, is everything that the backyardigans have to offer. It takes me back into my childhood so that I may enjoy it a second time with my daughter.
My daughter is a little too young to understand the story lines, but the theme song brings a smile to her face every time. THE BACKYARDIGANS. It's funny that only five months ago, I had no clue who the backyardigans were, now I know them by name. Pablo, Tasha, Tyrone, Uniqua and Austin. You just can't help but sing along to the songs. Their tight harmonies are so pleasing to the ear, that the theme song itself is genious.
The show reminds me of the adventures I imagined in my own backyard. I think that's why it's grown on me.
It gives us the world through the eyes of our children, and reminds that we were that age to. I remember making a boat out of a cardboard box, and actually trying to float on it in a huge puddle. It became an even bigger adventure as it began to sink very quickly. We pretended to be ship wrecked on an island with nothing to eat but banana's. We'd leave banana peels hanging in the tree's in hopes that more banana's would grow.
The imagination we had to create such fantasies, is everything that the backyardigans have to offer. It takes me back into my childhood so that I may enjoy it a second time with my daughter.
posted by Michelle at 2:43 PM
0 comments
Month by month
One month was when I discovered the biggest life change, that made me doubt.
Soon I'll a mother, with a huge responsibility that I knew nothing about.
So many questions filled my mind, so many books I had to read.
To learn as much as I could, to satisfy our baby's needs.
Two months seemed to fly by so fast. Two months I slept away.
Exhausted, tired and cranky. I could have stayed in bed all day.
Three months it was love at first sight, we had our first ultrasound.
There you were so small as my belly got a little round.
Four months you startled me, when I felt that first little kick inside.
You always seemed more active the minute I closed my eyes.
Five months we couldn't wait, as our anticipation grew.
We found out you were a baby girl, but your daddy always knew.
From day one he always said, it's a girl, he even picked out your name.
How excited we were to find out, that the ultrasound revealed the same.
Six months I was glowing with excitement, your due date almost near.
Soon I will be able to hold you in my arms, soon you will be here.
Seven months, eight months, nine months a blur.
Before we knew it there you were.
Soon I'll a mother, with a huge responsibility that I knew nothing about.
So many questions filled my mind, so many books I had to read.
To learn as much as I could, to satisfy our baby's needs.
Two months seemed to fly by so fast. Two months I slept away.
Exhausted, tired and cranky. I could have stayed in bed all day.
Three months it was love at first sight, we had our first ultrasound.
There you were so small as my belly got a little round.
Four months you startled me, when I felt that first little kick inside.
You always seemed more active the minute I closed my eyes.
Five months we couldn't wait, as our anticipation grew.
We found out you were a baby girl, but your daddy always knew.
From day one he always said, it's a girl, he even picked out your name.
How excited we were to find out, that the ultrasound revealed the same.
Six months I was glowing with excitement, your due date almost near.
Soon I will be able to hold you in my arms, soon you will be here.
Seven months, eight months, nine months a blur.
Before we knew it there you were.
posted by Michelle at 9:18 AM
1 comments
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Nick's Restaurant
One year ago today, I sat around the dinner table with my family one last time. A second family, separate from my own, but just as close. They took me in, at the moment I needed them most. Welcoming me with open arms, and warm hearts.
Three years I worked at 'Nick's Restaurant'... and those three years no doubt made me into the person I am today.
I learned so much about myself, and about people. I learned what my weaknesses were, and I turned them into strengths.
I was encouraged by my boss and supervisor to push myself, to work harder. Self discipline. Focus. Pay attention. Things that until then I had taken for granted.
Most importantly I learned that I had to take responsibility for my own mistakes.
That there are times to be serious, and times to be funny, and that's definitely not on a Friday night.
'Had you been paying attention, instead of singing and dancing this wouldn't have happened.' My supervisor, was annoyed.
I had just unscrewed the Clamato juice when I then grabbed the Vodka to make a Caesar. Not only did I get distracted but I completely forgot that I had already unscrewed the lid. The cap was just resting on top. My supervisor had motioned me to shake it first. I did. Clamato juice everywhere.
'Look at people when they give you their order.' She told me on another occasion.
'Remember their face. Use your memory skills. Focus.' Previously I was delivering food to the wrong tables and dropping menu's of to tables who had already ordered.
'Hello, how are you this evening?' Only to get a blank stare. Awkward silence.
'My name is Michelle and I'll be taking your order tonight. Can I start you off with something to drink?'
The man smiles, 'Were still waiting for our drinks.'
One night there was a valuable lesson my boss needed to teach me. My mistakes had to come with a price. Consequences. Time to think about what I had done.
It was a Friday night. Valentine's Day. My sister and brother in law had come in for supper around eight and that is when I took my break, to join them.
I completely didn't think about the clean up that I left for my co-workers. The dishes that needed to be done. I just saw an empty restaurant and a chance to satisfy my own selfish needs. My supervisor had left me that night, trusting that I would be on my best behavior. No goofing around. Focus. I failed that simple task.
She wanted me to think about what I had done and therefore gave me the entire week off. This was no 'Holiday'. I loved my job. That is where i wanted to be. I cried. I replayed the scenario in my head. 'Why weren't you thinking about others before yourself?' I was angry at myself.
Throughout the week my disappointment turned into humiliation. How can I possibly face my co-workers again? I've really screwed up this time. Will my mistake affect our relationship? I pictured my boss with a smug look, 'Well I hope you learned your lesson'. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was welcomed back with smiling faces and no one mentioned a word of my vacation.
After three years, I moved to Ottawa and later that same year I came back to my home town to have supper one last time with my second family. They sold the restaurant and this supper was to welcome the new owners, and say good-bye and good luck to the most wonderful people I know.
Thank you for giving me such and opportunity.
Love & Prayers.
Three years I worked at 'Nick's Restaurant'... and those three years no doubt made me into the person I am today.
I learned so much about myself, and about people. I learned what my weaknesses were, and I turned them into strengths.
I was encouraged by my boss and supervisor to push myself, to work harder. Self discipline. Focus. Pay attention. Things that until then I had taken for granted.
Most importantly I learned that I had to take responsibility for my own mistakes.
That there are times to be serious, and times to be funny, and that's definitely not on a Friday night.
'Had you been paying attention, instead of singing and dancing this wouldn't have happened.' My supervisor, was annoyed.
I had just unscrewed the Clamato juice when I then grabbed the Vodka to make a Caesar. Not only did I get distracted but I completely forgot that I had already unscrewed the lid. The cap was just resting on top. My supervisor had motioned me to shake it first. I did. Clamato juice everywhere.
'Look at people when they give you their order.' She told me on another occasion.
'Remember their face. Use your memory skills. Focus.' Previously I was delivering food to the wrong tables and dropping menu's of to tables who had already ordered.
'Hello, how are you this evening?' Only to get a blank stare. Awkward silence.
'My name is Michelle and I'll be taking your order tonight. Can I start you off with something to drink?'
The man smiles, 'Were still waiting for our drinks.'
One night there was a valuable lesson my boss needed to teach me. My mistakes had to come with a price. Consequences. Time to think about what I had done.
It was a Friday night. Valentine's Day. My sister and brother in law had come in for supper around eight and that is when I took my break, to join them.
I completely didn't think about the clean up that I left for my co-workers. The dishes that needed to be done. I just saw an empty restaurant and a chance to satisfy my own selfish needs. My supervisor had left me that night, trusting that I would be on my best behavior. No goofing around. Focus. I failed that simple task.
She wanted me to think about what I had done and therefore gave me the entire week off. This was no 'Holiday'. I loved my job. That is where i wanted to be. I cried. I replayed the scenario in my head. 'Why weren't you thinking about others before yourself?' I was angry at myself.
Throughout the week my disappointment turned into humiliation. How can I possibly face my co-workers again? I've really screwed up this time. Will my mistake affect our relationship? I pictured my boss with a smug look, 'Well I hope you learned your lesson'. I couldn't have been more wrong. I was welcomed back with smiling faces and no one mentioned a word of my vacation.
After three years, I moved to Ottawa and later that same year I came back to my home town to have supper one last time with my second family. They sold the restaurant and this supper was to welcome the new owners, and say good-bye and good luck to the most wonderful people I know.
Thank you for giving me such and opportunity.
Love & Prayers.
posted by Michelle at 7:40 PM
0 comments
Notebooks
Notebooks upon notebooks lie before me, filled with my deepest desires, dreams, fears, insecurities and past that I've learned to accept. People that I've learned to forgive, lies that wouldn't let me rest until I told the truth.
I'm not ashamed of who I am or what I've done. I accept that I haven't always made the right choice, and that I have made a lot of mistakes, but those mistakes have made me into the person I am today.
I'm not ashamed of who I am or what I've done. I accept that I haven't always made the right choice, and that I have made a lot of mistakes, but those mistakes have made me into the person I am today.
posted by Michelle at 6:02 PM
1 comments
Letter of encouragement
It is very difficult to write what is in your heart. There is always that bit of fear that holds you back from writing the truth. During my process, I read that it could be very encouraging to write yourself a letter as though it were from a friend. I did. When I get discouraged I look back on it, and it makes a world of difference.
Michelle,
I know that you have it in you. The words. The talent. The gift.
A gift that you can either keep to yourself or share with others. You have such passion. Let your words speak through that passion. You don't need to hide. You don't need to be afraid. This fear of baring your soul is helping you through a process. The process of healing. To heal means being honest. It means ripping the bandages off old wounds, and bringing them to the surface. It will not be easy, but you can do it. I have faith in you. I believe in you.
When you fall I'll be right there there to help you on your feet. I will be by your side every step of the way, encouraging you to move forward. Let the journey begin.
Always & Forever,
Your Friend
Michelle,
I know that you have it in you. The words. The talent. The gift.
A gift that you can either keep to yourself or share with others. You have such passion. Let your words speak through that passion. You don't need to hide. You don't need to be afraid. This fear of baring your soul is helping you through a process. The process of healing. To heal means being honest. It means ripping the bandages off old wounds, and bringing them to the surface. It will not be easy, but you can do it. I have faith in you. I believe in you.
When you fall I'll be right there there to help you on your feet. I will be by your side every step of the way, encouraging you to move forward. Let the journey begin.
Always & Forever,
Your Friend
posted by Michelle at 2:39 PM
0 comments
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Hunger for words
Creativity has surfaced, with undying spirit.
Never again will I lose it, out of weakness.
The more I feed my hunger for words, my starving soul finds strength.
Never again will I lose it, out of weakness.
The more I feed my hunger for words, my starving soul finds strength.
posted by Michelle at 4:10 PM
0 comments
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Bending the light an inspiring journey to take
The light is shining.
So bright that I squint my eyes.
My heart tells me to follow the light, and leave the dark behind.
I walk through the gates, behind me a graveyard shadowed black.
Toward the light, my destiny, not ever looking back.
The cold has left my skin, the fear of death has gone.
For I'm alive again,I've found my friend,these feelings are so strong.
I cannot ignore the warmth, flooding to my cheeks.
I cannot ignore the voice, and the messages that it speaks.
I cannot ignore the love, the song of my soul.
I cannot ignore our story, our relationship, my gold.
The light is shining.
So bright that I squint my eyes.
My heart tells me to follow the light, and leave the dark behind.
To Aislin, an inspiration
So bright that I squint my eyes.
My heart tells me to follow the light, and leave the dark behind.
I walk through the gates, behind me a graveyard shadowed black.
Toward the light, my destiny, not ever looking back.
The cold has left my skin, the fear of death has gone.
For I'm alive again,I've found my friend,these feelings are so strong.
I cannot ignore the warmth, flooding to my cheeks.
I cannot ignore the voice, and the messages that it speaks.
I cannot ignore the love, the song of my soul.
I cannot ignore our story, our relationship, my gold.
The light is shining.
So bright that I squint my eyes.
My heart tells me to follow the light, and leave the dark behind.
To Aislin, an inspiration
posted by Michelle at 12:23 PM
1 comments
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Need to....
Need to move on
Need to forgive
Need to move forward
Need to live
Need to let things go
Need to let it be
Need to be free
Need to just be me
Need to survive
Need to breathe
Need to feel alive
Need to grieve
Need to love
Need to grow
Need to laugh
Need to know
How to ask for help
Need to forgive
Need to move forward
Need to live
Need to let things go
Need to let it be
Need to be free
Need to just be me
Need to survive
Need to breathe
Need to feel alive
Need to grieve
Need to love
Need to grow
Need to laugh
Need to know
How to ask for help
posted by Michelle at 10:49 PM
0 comments
Friday, September 07, 2007
Not the write way..... Not the right way
'Everything that I write, a hesitation stalls.
Try to edit what I have written and the ideas quickly dissolve.
The errors seem to surface right before my eyes.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I criticize?'
Try to edit what I have written and the ideas quickly dissolve.
The errors seem to surface right before my eyes.
Why do I do this to myself? Why do I criticize?'
posted by Michelle at 10:40 PM
0 comments
Passion
Passion burns within my soul.
An urge. A drive. An energy that bubbles over.
Intense emotions arise from the depths, bringing up with it a feeling of sorrow.
A moment of doubt. I realize that my strongest passion is also my biggest insecurity.
An urge. A drive. An energy that bubbles over.
Intense emotions arise from the depths, bringing up with it a feeling of sorrow.
A moment of doubt. I realize that my strongest passion is also my biggest insecurity.
posted by Michelle at 10:26 PM
0 comments
The Poet
There was a poet, who didn't know it,
with a passion that burned inside.
Once word was out, there was talk about,
a poem in which the poet had lied.
Dead silence. Heart pounding fear.
The words had lost their flow.
The dream vanished to a distant memory.
The poetry died long ago.
Hate. Anger. Humiliation.
No longer could the poet hide.
For the open wounds needed healing,
that only poetry could provide.
Forgive. Don't live in shame,
don't let your spirit die.
For when you are gone, your words will live on,
and help another soul come alive.
with a passion that burned inside.
Once word was out, there was talk about,
a poem in which the poet had lied.
Dead silence. Heart pounding fear.
The words had lost their flow.
The dream vanished to a distant memory.
The poetry died long ago.
Hate. Anger. Humiliation.
No longer could the poet hide.
For the open wounds needed healing,
that only poetry could provide.
Forgive. Don't live in shame,
don't let your spirit die.
For when you are gone, your words will live on,
and help another soul come alive.
posted by Michelle at 8:21 PM
0 comments
Strings of my heart
The strings of my heart have been pulled, and once again have come alive.
Stronger than I have ever felt before, leaving me only wanting more.
The wait was worth the wait.
The journey was worth the time.
The struggle against the wind, the force was so unkind.
Our paths have crossed again, I have been given a second chance.
I do not let this opportunity slip through my fingers.
As the memory is still fresh. The memory still lingers,
the first time I saw you.
The first time I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
The first time I let you go, to find you again after all these years.
Our future lies before us, together as a family.
The wait was worth the wait.
The journey was worth the time.
Looking back at the obstacles and the mountain I just climbed.
Surrendering to you my heart, I fall to my knees and cry.
For the strings in my have been pulled and once again have come alive.
Stronger than I have ever felt before, leaving me only wanting more.
The wait was worth the wait.
The journey was worth the time.
The struggle against the wind, the force was so unkind.
Our paths have crossed again, I have been given a second chance.
I do not let this opportunity slip through my fingers.
As the memory is still fresh. The memory still lingers,
the first time I saw you.
The first time I could hear my heart pounding in my ears.
The first time I let you go, to find you again after all these years.
Our future lies before us, together as a family.
The wait was worth the wait.
The journey was worth the time.
Looking back at the obstacles and the mountain I just climbed.
Surrendering to you my heart, I fall to my knees and cry.
For the strings in my have been pulled and once again have come alive.
posted by Michelle at 8:00 PM
0 comments
Saturday, July 07, 2007
Past The Hour
Past the hour, I should be in bed...
Can't get the images out of my head.
Alert I look around.
Listening to every sound.
Frozen inside my body, darkness closing in.
Evaporating light, sealing me within.
The boundaries, I cannot escape.
Trapped inside this prison cell.
Swallowing me whole, under it's manipulating spell.
Raining down on me, this black sea of dark lies.
I cover up me ears, tightly close my eyes.
Whisper a silent prayer, a sweet sense of relief.
As I open up my eyes and realize all along it was a dream.
Can't get the images out of my head.
Alert I look around.
Listening to every sound.
Frozen inside my body, darkness closing in.
Evaporating light, sealing me within.
The boundaries, I cannot escape.
Trapped inside this prison cell.
Swallowing me whole, under it's manipulating spell.
Raining down on me, this black sea of dark lies.
I cover up me ears, tightly close my eyes.
Whisper a silent prayer, a sweet sense of relief.
As I open up my eyes and realize all along it was a dream.
posted by Michelle at 5:39 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Magic Baking Powder gives more than your baking a real lift
Donna and Cindy learn about the unexpected uplifting qualities of Magic Baking Powder. Maybe they need to get an anchor!!
posted by Michelle at 6:12 PM
1 comments
Sunday, July 01, 2007
No guarantee
Realize who you are, stay near, don't linger far.
No matter what road life takes you down,
I will always be around.
Have faith in what you believe,
let no one rob you of your dream.
Conquer every hurdle in your path,
let it all out when you need a laugh.
Focus on what it is you spend your time,
evaluate the worth out of your life line.
Live each day although it was your last,
for tomorrow is never guaranteed to pass.
No matter what road life takes you down,
I will always be around.
Have faith in what you believe,
let no one rob you of your dream.
Conquer every hurdle in your path,
let it all out when you need a laugh.
Focus on what it is you spend your time,
evaluate the worth out of your life line.
Live each day although it was your last,
for tomorrow is never guaranteed to pass.
posted by Michelle at 9:22 PM
0 comments
Sunday, June 17, 2007
HAPPY FATHERS DAY
The sacrifices you made to keep our family together, when times were so rough.
The times we both needed to get away, just for a drive and some place to talk.
To talk to someone who understands, who is not only my father but also my best friend.
I hold on to those memories, of all those summers at the beach.
The sand between my toes, the water pulling at my knee's.
Holding your hand bracing for the wave, knowing all along that you would keep me safe.
So many times you've helped me out, when my school projects took a turn for the worst.
How you set all you had to do aside, to get my assignment finished first.
Your ideas are so creative, you've got more talent than you know.
The key to your work is patience and learning as you grow.
I'm so proud of you, and the challenges you've had to face.
For no father could have done a better job.
No father could replace.
The man I see as my hero, my father, I'm honored to say.
How lucky I am to be your daughter. I wouldn't have it any other way.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
Love & Prayers,
Michelle
The times we both needed to get away, just for a drive and some place to talk.
To talk to someone who understands, who is not only my father but also my best friend.
I hold on to those memories, of all those summers at the beach.
The sand between my toes, the water pulling at my knee's.
Holding your hand bracing for the wave, knowing all along that you would keep me safe.
So many times you've helped me out, when my school projects took a turn for the worst.
How you set all you had to do aside, to get my assignment finished first.
Your ideas are so creative, you've got more talent than you know.
The key to your work is patience and learning as you grow.
I'm so proud of you, and the challenges you've had to face.
For no father could have done a better job.
No father could replace.
The man I see as my hero, my father, I'm honored to say.
How lucky I am to be your daughter. I wouldn't have it any other way.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY
Love & Prayers,
Michelle
posted by Michelle at 2:01 PM
0 comments
It's hard to imagine what you don't think about
It's hard to imagine the difference that one day could make.
One single day, that could change a life forever.
What you don't think about is how much is at stake.
A relationship, or your own well being.
It's hard to imagine when you are paralyzed by fear.
The same fear that shows any sign of weakness.
What you don't think about when things aren't clear,
is the hurt feelings that could be healed with an apology.
It's hard to imagine everyone getting along.
That this bitterness and hate will ever end.
What you don't think about is that maybe you were wrong,
is it that easy turning your back on a friend?
Maybe... Just maybe, that friend hurt you.
And say that it really was their fault.
Stop pointing fingers, no one is to blame.
Years from no you won't even remember, why does it matter who ignited the flame?
It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
So don't pretend I'm not even there.
Acknowledge my presence, ask me how I am.
Show me that you sincerely care.
It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
I've thought about it over and over again.
Forgive me, I am sorry for the pain that I have caused.
Do you think that in your heart, it can go back to the way it was?
It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
So think about it.
__________________________________________________________________
Hatred only poisons the soul.
The longer you carry it with you, the more toxic it becomes.
Pay close attention to this message, and forgive someone.
One single day, that could change a life forever.
What you don't think about is how much is at stake.
A relationship, or your own well being.
It's hard to imagine when you are paralyzed by fear.
The same fear that shows any sign of weakness.
What you don't think about when things aren't clear,
is the hurt feelings that could be healed with an apology.
It's hard to imagine everyone getting along.
That this bitterness and hate will ever end.
What you don't think about is that maybe you were wrong,
is it that easy turning your back on a friend?
Maybe... Just maybe, that friend hurt you.
And say that it really was their fault.
Stop pointing fingers, no one is to blame.
Years from no you won't even remember, why does it matter who ignited the flame?
It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
So don't pretend I'm not even there.
Acknowledge my presence, ask me how I am.
Show me that you sincerely care.
It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
I've thought about it over and over again.
Forgive me, I am sorry for the pain that I have caused.
Do you think that in your heart, it can go back to the way it was?
It's hard to imagine what you don't think about.
So think about it.
__________________________________________________________________
Hatred only poisons the soul.
The longer you carry it with you, the more toxic it becomes.
Pay close attention to this message, and forgive someone.
posted by Michelle at 1:28 PM
0 comments
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Sweet little rose
As delicate as a rose, when the sunshine catches the rain drops crystal tears on the flower's red velvet petal.
posted by Michelle at 2:57 PM
0 comments
Friday, June 08, 2007
Misunderstood (dedicated to my mother)
I never understood the sacrifices you made,
I never understood why I didn't get my own way.
I never understood that a mother's love has boundaries, when all I wanted was for you to see things the way that I see.
I never understood that no means no, I would get down on my knees and beg you to let me go.
I never understood why you were being so unfair, that even through my tears you didn't seem to care.
I never understood why I'd get in trouble for telling the truth, when it didn't occur to me it was after I lied to you.
I never understood until I moved away from home.
I never understood until I had a daughter of my own.
I understand now what it is to be a mother, and how important it is to look out for each other.
As much as a mothers love is misunderstood.
It's all for the best.
It's all for the good.
I never understood why I didn't get my own way.
I never understood that a mother's love has boundaries, when all I wanted was for you to see things the way that I see.
I never understood that no means no, I would get down on my knees and beg you to let me go.
I never understood why you were being so unfair, that even through my tears you didn't seem to care.
I never understood why I'd get in trouble for telling the truth, when it didn't occur to me it was after I lied to you.
I never understood until I moved away from home.
I never understood until I had a daughter of my own.
I understand now what it is to be a mother, and how important it is to look out for each other.
As much as a mothers love is misunderstood.
It's all for the best.
It's all for the good.
posted by Michelle at 9:15 PM
0 comments
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Motherhood
It occurred to me yesterday that Becca is exactly one month old.
That I've had one month experience of motherhood.
I've been asked 'Do you miss being pregnant?'
The truth is, yes and no.
I had a great pregnancy. Somehow I managed to bypass all of the pregnancy downfalls.
No swelling, no morning sickness, no decrease in energy. I worked right up until the month I was due. As each month passed I had reached another milestone. By the forth month I felt that first little kick, that continued to get stronger by the fifth and sixth month. By seven months, my belly looked about to explode. I was caught off guard one day, by a rhythmic beat that lasted about 3-5 minutes. A heart beat? Curious I pulled out all of my pregnancy literature to figure out what exactly it was I felt. It didn't take long before I found my answer. My baby had the hiccups. She had them once a day, everyday until the day she was born. The most interesting part of pregnancy was looking down at my bare belly only to see it quiver and lump out at one side as the baby would change position.
Some nights I would fall asleep smiling, just imagining what life would be like with our new little one.
I was becoming quite anxious by the ninth month, as I had watched what seemed hundreds of births on 'A baby story'. I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to see how other women handled this very painful experience.
On April 4th, the contractions started around 8:30pm.
I arrived at the hospital at 10:30pm, and opted for an epidural which I got around 12:30am.
Easy going from there. I felt no pain, only the pressure of the baby moving. I was awakened out of a deep sleep by the nurse who told me that the baby's head was crowning, and it was time to deliver. I honestly thought she was joking, until I saw Dave leap from his chair and confirm that the head was indeed there. How could I not feel it? Seven minutes later our little girl was placed in my arms. It felt like a dream. It still does. I am a mother.
I cradle Becca in my arms. I've waited so long to meet her, that I can't believe she's actually here. For the nine months I carried her, our bond became stronger each day. I'll never forget the moment I fell in love. A love so strong, that your heart literally skips a beat. That every moment in my life that broke my heart had been forgotten because now at that very moment my heart was whole again. It was the same feeling I had when Dave came into my life, and I realized that this is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
This is my family. I love you both very much.
That I've had one month experience of motherhood.
I've been asked 'Do you miss being pregnant?'
The truth is, yes and no.
I had a great pregnancy. Somehow I managed to bypass all of the pregnancy downfalls.
No swelling, no morning sickness, no decrease in energy. I worked right up until the month I was due. As each month passed I had reached another milestone. By the forth month I felt that first little kick, that continued to get stronger by the fifth and sixth month. By seven months, my belly looked about to explode. I was caught off guard one day, by a rhythmic beat that lasted about 3-5 minutes. A heart beat? Curious I pulled out all of my pregnancy literature to figure out what exactly it was I felt. It didn't take long before I found my answer. My baby had the hiccups. She had them once a day, everyday until the day she was born. The most interesting part of pregnancy was looking down at my bare belly only to see it quiver and lump out at one side as the baby would change position.
Some nights I would fall asleep smiling, just imagining what life would be like with our new little one.
I was becoming quite anxious by the ninth month, as I had watched what seemed hundreds of births on 'A baby story'. I wanted to be prepared, I wanted to see how other women handled this very painful experience.
On April 4th, the contractions started around 8:30pm.
I arrived at the hospital at 10:30pm, and opted for an epidural which I got around 12:30am.
Easy going from there. I felt no pain, only the pressure of the baby moving. I was awakened out of a deep sleep by the nurse who told me that the baby's head was crowning, and it was time to deliver. I honestly thought she was joking, until I saw Dave leap from his chair and confirm that the head was indeed there. How could I not feel it? Seven minutes later our little girl was placed in my arms. It felt like a dream. It still does. I am a mother.
I cradle Becca in my arms. I've waited so long to meet her, that I can't believe she's actually here. For the nine months I carried her, our bond became stronger each day. I'll never forget the moment I fell in love. A love so strong, that your heart literally skips a beat. That every moment in my life that broke my heart had been forgotten because now at that very moment my heart was whole again. It was the same feeling I had when Dave came into my life, and I realized that this is the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
This is my family. I love you both very much.
posted by Michelle at 5:17 PM
1 comments
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Angel of mine
Rebecca Claire
Born: April 5th, 2007
Time: 4:53am
Weight: 7lbs 8oz
Length: 21 inches
posted by Michelle at 9:16 PM
0 comments
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Faith is...
Hebrews 11:1
'Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.'
'Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.'
posted by Michelle at 7:12 PM
0 comments
Monday, January 01, 2007
"I found Jacob's body"
'I found Jacob's body'.
I'll never forget the night my sister approached with that somber look on her face, and those eyes that penetrated my every nerve. I felt weak at the knees. 'No', I wanted to scream. I couldn't have possibly been the cause of Jacob's death.
The nightmare began two days earlier. My sister brought her two beloved cats over to our house for their annual check up at the local animal hospital. Jacob, unaccustomed to the new surroundings, hid in any tight space he could find. I was told to shut him in one of the smaller bedrooms, so we could find him easily for his appointment.
Instead, I made the mistake of shutting him in the bathroom, figuring atleast then he wouldn't have a bed to seek refuge, and later need some coaxing.
What I didn't think of, was that our bathroom was under contruction. The new bathtub had just been placed, and dad hadn't had the chance to finish the plumbing, leaving enough space for Jacob to sqeeze in past the pipes and behind the insulation under the tub.
Leighann had come back from her shopping to pick up the precious little one's for their appointment, only to find out that I had lost Jacob.
'I'll find him, don't you worry', I assured her.
Twenty-four hours later, after hours of searching, we began to think of all of the possibilities. Could Jacob have slipped out the door of the bathroom when I went to get him? Then somehow maybe have managed to escape outside into the blistering cold? Could Jacob have sufforcated in the insulation? Or could he be lost and freezing to death outside. One thing we knew for sure, was that Jacob must be starving. We placed food, making sure that each kiblet was accounted for, that way we could atleast rule out the possiblity that he was outside. The door to the bathroom would remain shut, so there would be no where else in the house he could go.
Leighann would call frequently, only to get the same answer. 'No, he's still missing'.
By the second day, I began to lose hope. I woke up that morning, having had next to no sleep at all, with an idea and a determination to stop at nothing.
'Mom. Dad. I've been thinking.' I told them my plan.
There was one way of getting in behind the bathtub, without tearing it out and starting over.
My bedroom closet was directly behind the tub. With a hammer in my hand, I announced to mom and dad that I was going to knock holes in the back of my closet. After much contemplating, it was agreed.
And so, the length of my closet we knocked holes the size of fists. The insulation made it almost impossible to see anything. I began to second guess. Could Jacob be in there? Maybe he had slipped out. I hoped that he did. Nothing would be worse than having a cat sufforcate to death under your bathtub.
Hours passed, and Leighann called again. We cried together, and I told her to come over and first thing in the morning we'd go around town with his picture.
Later on that night I met up with some friends, and shared my story. The tragedy and the guilt I felt weighing down on me. All of my attempts have failed. To make things worse, I now have gaping holes in the back of my closet, and for what? Not even the slightest 'meow'. Not one kiblet eaten. I lost hope. I had come to a realization that there is a very good chance that I have killed my sister's cat.
As I finished telling my story, I looked up to see Leighann approaching. My stomach turned. What do I say to her? How can I comfort her? Do I still try to remain positve, 'Don't worry we'll find him'? How can I tell her that, when I don't believe that we will ever be found.
'Come with me', she said as she lead to somewhere private. My heart went out to her.
Her head down, she told me. 'I'm going home'.
I looked at her, not understanding. Has she given up? 'Why?'
Her voice low, she looked at me with such pain in her eyes. 'I found Jacob's body'.
'What?' My thoughts raced. He's dead. Jacob's dead. I didn't know what to say. My pulse raced, my heart sunk.
'He's dead?' The lingering silence nearly killed me.
Suddenly Leighann's eyes brightened enthusiastically, the tone of her voice changed dramatically.
'No, he's in the car, wanna see him?'
I walked to Leighann's car with jello legs, only to see Jacob in his travel carrier. His face appeared sunken and he was scared..... but HE WAS ALIVE!!!!
'How? When? Where did you find him?'
Leighann had told me that she was in my bedroom when she spotted a little bump moving under my bed sheets. She pulled them back, only to reveal a frightened and hungry little Jacob.
We believe that he had escaped the bathroom out of one of the holes I punched in my closet.
Almost a year later, I visit my parents, and sit in my old bedroom.
My old room, that I decorated and painted myself. My gaze drifts towards the closet, and I see them. The holes. And I hear Leighann's voice, 'I found Jacob's body'.
I laugh at the cruelty of her joke, as the memory comes back.
I'll never forget the night my sister approached with that somber look on her face, and those eyes that penetrated my every nerve. I felt weak at the knees. 'No', I wanted to scream. I couldn't have possibly been the cause of Jacob's death.
The nightmare began two days earlier. My sister brought her two beloved cats over to our house for their annual check up at the local animal hospital. Jacob, unaccustomed to the new surroundings, hid in any tight space he could find. I was told to shut him in one of the smaller bedrooms, so we could find him easily for his appointment.
Instead, I made the mistake of shutting him in the bathroom, figuring atleast then he wouldn't have a bed to seek refuge, and later need some coaxing.
What I didn't think of, was that our bathroom was under contruction. The new bathtub had just been placed, and dad hadn't had the chance to finish the plumbing, leaving enough space for Jacob to sqeeze in past the pipes and behind the insulation under the tub.
Leighann had come back from her shopping to pick up the precious little one's for their appointment, only to find out that I had lost Jacob.
'I'll find him, don't you worry', I assured her.
Twenty-four hours later, after hours of searching, we began to think of all of the possibilities. Could Jacob have slipped out the door of the bathroom when I went to get him? Then somehow maybe have managed to escape outside into the blistering cold? Could Jacob have sufforcated in the insulation? Or could he be lost and freezing to death outside. One thing we knew for sure, was that Jacob must be starving. We placed food, making sure that each kiblet was accounted for, that way we could atleast rule out the possiblity that he was outside. The door to the bathroom would remain shut, so there would be no where else in the house he could go.
Leighann would call frequently, only to get the same answer. 'No, he's still missing'.
By the second day, I began to lose hope. I woke up that morning, having had next to no sleep at all, with an idea and a determination to stop at nothing.
'Mom. Dad. I've been thinking.' I told them my plan.
There was one way of getting in behind the bathtub, without tearing it out and starting over.
My bedroom closet was directly behind the tub. With a hammer in my hand, I announced to mom and dad that I was going to knock holes in the back of my closet. After much contemplating, it was agreed.
And so, the length of my closet we knocked holes the size of fists. The insulation made it almost impossible to see anything. I began to second guess. Could Jacob be in there? Maybe he had slipped out. I hoped that he did. Nothing would be worse than having a cat sufforcate to death under your bathtub.
Hours passed, and Leighann called again. We cried together, and I told her to come over and first thing in the morning we'd go around town with his picture.
Later on that night I met up with some friends, and shared my story. The tragedy and the guilt I felt weighing down on me. All of my attempts have failed. To make things worse, I now have gaping holes in the back of my closet, and for what? Not even the slightest 'meow'. Not one kiblet eaten. I lost hope. I had come to a realization that there is a very good chance that I have killed my sister's cat.
As I finished telling my story, I looked up to see Leighann approaching. My stomach turned. What do I say to her? How can I comfort her? Do I still try to remain positve, 'Don't worry we'll find him'? How can I tell her that, when I don't believe that we will ever be found.
'Come with me', she said as she lead to somewhere private. My heart went out to her.
Her head down, she told me. 'I'm going home'.
I looked at her, not understanding. Has she given up? 'Why?'
Her voice low, she looked at me with such pain in her eyes. 'I found Jacob's body'.
'What?' My thoughts raced. He's dead. Jacob's dead. I didn't know what to say. My pulse raced, my heart sunk.
'He's dead?' The lingering silence nearly killed me.
Suddenly Leighann's eyes brightened enthusiastically, the tone of her voice changed dramatically.
'No, he's in the car, wanna see him?'
I walked to Leighann's car with jello legs, only to see Jacob in his travel carrier. His face appeared sunken and he was scared..... but HE WAS ALIVE!!!!
'How? When? Where did you find him?'
Leighann had told me that she was in my bedroom when she spotted a little bump moving under my bed sheets. She pulled them back, only to reveal a frightened and hungry little Jacob.
We believe that he had escaped the bathroom out of one of the holes I punched in my closet.
Almost a year later, I visit my parents, and sit in my old bedroom.
My old room, that I decorated and painted myself. My gaze drifts towards the closet, and I see them. The holes. And I hear Leighann's voice, 'I found Jacob's body'.
I laugh at the cruelty of her joke, as the memory comes back.
posted by Michelle at 10:09 AM
0 comments
Happy New Year!!!
Happy New Year!!!
First entry of 2007. A year to the day I started this website.
Spent New Year's at the Johnstown Community Center, with my two friends Melanie & Jessica.
Dave and the rest of the band, 'Scribble', did a fantastic show!!! Good job boys!!!
Visit their website at www.scribbleitdown.com.
First entry of 2007. A year to the day I started this website.
Spent New Year's at the Johnstown Community Center, with my two friends Melanie & Jessica.
Dave and the rest of the band, 'Scribble', did a fantastic show!!! Good job boys!!!
Visit their website at www.scribbleitdown.com.
posted by Michelle at 9:56 AM
0 comments
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Back into the wilderness. WHERE THEY BELONG!
What on earth was she thinking?
My mother, a compassionate animal lover, took it upon herself to bring home three orphaned baby skunks. I was not impressed when she had to leave for the weekend, and asked me to take care of them. To my horror, it was also prom weekend.
Here is my story.
I was left with the simple instruction of; picking each on up carefully with it's tail between it's back legs, because a skunk would never spray itself. Also to feed them every 3-4 hours some milk and cat food. I agreed to care for them, only because we negotiated a wage. The biggest mistake I ever made.
Everything went smoothly until it came time to clean the cage. I took them outside and lowered them one by one in a separate crate so I could hose down the cage. After lowering the first skunk, he became anxious in the new environment. I had over looked, his raised back, like a frightened cat his hair stood on end. As I lowered the second skunk, the first one that I had placed in the crate hissed, then flicked his behind toward me. Immediately I felt a warm splash up my arm, yellow in colour, followed by the most disgusting smell I had ever smelled.
I got sprayed.
I immediately placed the third skunk into the crate, and left them all outside. I didn't care what happened to the little buggers now. I was angry beyond belief. How could this happen to me?
I went inside and spent the next few hours, bathing and scrubing and crying.
Finally!!! The smell was gone.
I was still fuming when I went outside to finish what I had started. 'I'll finish cleaning the cage, and the three little stinkers can stay in there for the rest of the weekend. No more individual attention and feedings, I'll just throw the food in, and they can feed themselves.'
I was horrified to find the crate outside empty. 'They're gone, they've escaped, no skunks, no money and I didn't get sprayed for nothing!!!!' I looked everywhere. Where could they be?
Then I spotted them. All three of them, together in the neighbours driveway, wobbling side by side. My sister refused to help me gather them, so I had to risk getting sprayed a second time as I picked all three up in a bundle, and put them back in their cage.
That was it! Besides throwing food in, I made no other contact with the little brutes.
After a few days, they built up their strength and we let them go. Back into the wilderness. WHERE THEY BELONG!
posted by Michelle at 8:03 PM
1 comments
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Hero
A hero stands out. I met him along the way.
I only had the privilage of knowing him one day.
He looked at me with loving eyes, and saw my passion deep inside.
This man spoke of creativity, the word of God, then he turned to me.
A hand he placed on my forehead, he prayed, I closed my eyes.
The words he spoke, touched my heart, soft tears I began to cry.
I had told not a soul, my longing to write and this man whom I just met,
encouraged me to never give up, to never live in regret.
'God annoint these hands, we have here a writer. Guide her Lord, uncover what it is inside her.
I only had the privilage of knowing him one day.
He looked at me with loving eyes, and saw my passion deep inside.
This man spoke of creativity, the word of God, then he turned to me.
A hand he placed on my forehead, he prayed, I closed my eyes.
The words he spoke, touched my heart, soft tears I began to cry.
I had told not a soul, my longing to write and this man whom I just met,
encouraged me to never give up, to never live in regret.
'God annoint these hands, we have here a writer. Guide her Lord, uncover what it is inside her.
posted by Michelle at 8:15 PM
1 comments
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Chelle & Dave
8 MONTH ANNIVERSARY
August 22nd, 2006
Wells; Maine
posted by Michelle at 10:49 AM
1 comments
Saturday, August 26, 2006
What is it that scares you?
'What is it that scares you about writing?' He knew her more than anyone, and He wanted her to face her fear. Blushing, she replied defensively. 'I'm not scared.' He was not convinced. 'Comm'on I see fear written all over your face.' Finally she broke.
'It's personal. I write about my dreams, my passions, my fears, my insecurities, my secrets.' She paused to collect herself. 'My secrets revealed. It exposes pieces of my personality that I’ve never felt before. All the feelings and emotions I hold back.’ Without thinking she added, ‘my anger.’ Covering her mouth she could not believe the word that had just escaped.
Years of being hurt over and over again, had been silenced into words on paper. That was her way of dealing with it, instead of voicing what she believed to be true.
Falling to her knee’s she cried to herself on the inside, keeping the tears inside to bleed her heart.
‘It hurts so bad,’ the lump in her throat choking her every word.
'It's personal. I write about my dreams, my passions, my fears, my insecurities, my secrets.' She paused to collect herself. 'My secrets revealed. It exposes pieces of my personality that I’ve never felt before. All the feelings and emotions I hold back.’ Without thinking she added, ‘my anger.’ Covering her mouth she could not believe the word that had just escaped.
Years of being hurt over and over again, had been silenced into words on paper. That was her way of dealing with it, instead of voicing what she believed to be true.
Falling to her knee’s she cried to herself on the inside, keeping the tears inside to bleed her heart.
‘It hurts so bad,’ the lump in her throat choking her every word.
posted by Michelle at 10:38 AM
0 comments
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Favorite quote
This is one of my most favrorite quotes. Think about it... What does it mean to you?
"If who I am is what I have,
and what I have is lost.
Then who am I?"
"If who I am is what I have,
and what I have is lost.
Then who am I?"
posted by Michelle at 9:49 AM
1 comments
About Me
- Name: Michelle
- Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
Energetic, crazy, loving life and every moment of living... God has blessed each and everyone of us with gifts, and it's up to us to find them and use them the way God intended. I have a wild imagination, I get lost in it sometimes... which is part of the reason I decided to create this page. You will notice that I write... probably a little more than the average person. That's just me though. I love my family.... we have a close knit bond that is inseperable. I have three sisters (whom are my best friends) My mother & father whom I admire, respect for fighting so hard in this battle to raise four girls. And did a damn good job!!!